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Turtle and Gus: Month Five

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Five months old is such a hard month for me. I know I had a hard time with Ella's fifth month too, because I went back and checked just to make sure I didn't take any crazy pills. There's such a sense of finality about leaving the infant squishy cuddly phase. Sure, life gets super fun when they get active and more curious about their environments... but it's also so much easier when they stay where you put them. So I'm a little sad as we begin this fifth month, but mostly okay with it. He's so much fun, so inching toward new milestones makes me excited to see his personality really emerge. 

We took a "family vacation" this month, and it was truly a nightmare. For Cody and I, vacations have always consisted of big cities and fun restaurants, and we're growing increasingly aware that we're kind of out of that phase in our lives for awhile. Last year we went to San Antonio when Ella was a fresh new one year old, and it was actually fairly pleasant. This year we went to DFW for a week and we both wanted to bury our face into a pillow and scream at least once an hour the entire trip. We found out two days before leaving that Ella had a double ear infection (she was showing no symptoms, so we apparently caught it before things got ugly) and so perhaps the antibiotic played a role in her behavior, but it was traumatic. Like, I'm not talking about a cranky child here... I'm talking monster. I'm saying she had a goose egg on her forehead from throwing herself in the parking lot in a fit of rage. I'm saying her knees were scraped from cratering her body into a limp noodle while we were trying to make her leave the swimming pool. Half the time, Cody and I blankly stared at her, trying to figure out who this psycho was in front of us. In malls, restaurants, zoos, swimming pools... Ella showed no prejudice to her surroundings. It was horrible. I was embarrassed. Like, let's just lay it  all out there and say that I had to choose to ignore her 9 times out of 10, because I experienced that blind rage that you always hear people try to claim as a defense in court. So many times I had to stop and say "If you respond to this child in public, you're going to end up on the internet." The antibiotic made Ella go on an eating strike, so I kind of thought we were going to be kicked out of a few restaurants when I forced food into my daughter's mouth and held my hand over it so that she couldn't spit it out. We were the family that you pray you don't sit next to on date nights. But what could I do? The hotel felt like prison. And her screams felt louder somehow. Plus, she didn't sleep the entire week. Basically, our trip was supposed to be from Monday to Friday, and on Wednesday I looked at Cody and said "I really just want to go home." And we called the hotel and they said "Yeah, sorry. You had to cancel your trip 24 hours in advance..." So we were trapped... unwilling to lose our money, but seriously considering it. We stayed close to the hotel the last days and vowed to find a lakehouse or something equally mellow for next year's trip. Or if Adam is done nursing, leaving the kids with my parents and going to a lakehouse and sleeping off the last three years. But that's the thing with family vacations... expectations are almost certainly guaranteed to be destroyed. I don't have a single family picture from that trip, and that makes me sad... but I have plenty of pictures of Ella throwing fits in the middle of various stores and restaurants. That I'll show her someday when she complains about her own kids. ***I do feel slightly bad about having an Ella bashfest, but I truly can't complain about Adam. Aside from an occasional cry to be cuddled, he was a dream. He was wonderful. Which made it so much harder to show grace to his two year old sister. But in her defense, she cut both bottom canine teeth within two days of being home. So between that and the ear infection, I can imagine eating and existing in general was pretty painful. But I was still mad, and I'm not sorry for being mad.

The highlight of the trip was definitely the zoo. It was precious to watch her face light up when she recognized the animals that she's learned in her books and favorite Baby Einstein episodes. Of course, we weren't anticipating Ella losing her mind to pet various animals, so we had to make our time at each stop brief, so I was afraid some animal was going to bust out of it's enclosure to put Ella out of her misery. It was worth going though. The zoo is immaculate, interactive, and truly a beautiful environment. We'll absolutely go back when our kids are old enough to walk, wipe themselves, and understand me when I say "DO NOT CLIMB ON THAT!" Such is life. 



Adam Jace is the best baby in the land. Don't get me wrong, Ella was a sweetie baby, but always high maintenance. She was happy, but would accept nothing short of a broadway show to get a laugh out of her. Not this dude. He giggles until he gasps for breath at the simplest things. He is absolutely in love with me. He looks at me and his entire face lights up. Sometimes he giggles, and other times he instantly starts crying because it's like he realizes that I've been away from him. He's content to hang out for days in his baby carrier, and my back hates me for it. At his four month appointment, he was two ounces away from twenty pounds, and 27 1/2 inches long. I just want to throw it out there that at Ella's two year appointment, she was 33 1/2 inches and twenty-four pounds. He's so enormous, and I love it! He's starting to sit up, and can stay in the tri-pod position for pretty much as long as he wants.  I tried pushing him down, but Cody told me to step off, because he's tired of lugging him around because he gets bored with laying on his back. Again, one of those things that hurts your uterus, but makes you happy at the same time. If I was guaranteed another baby like him, I would have 30 more kids. He is the epitome of a joyful spirit. Everything about that baby exudes happiness. Cody would probably cut in here and say that he's also co-dependent and kind of whiny sometimes, but he's just jealous of how well Adam rocks cellulite. Okay fine, I'll acknowledge that he's a little bit clingy to me sometimes, but he also sleeps all night in his own crib and is usually pretty content to go with the flow, so I'm fine with it. 

And because it's the world we live in, I want to let you know that I'm absolutely crazy about my Ella too. We're just in a hard phase right now. I treat her like a four year old, and she's only two. I'm tired and running on fumes, so my fuse is a little short. But at the same time, she's growing old enough to know what "No" means, and she's also growing old enough to know how to ignore me intentionally. She's old enough to spit food across the room, though in the same breath, I'm going to stop and brag on her for a second. She has eaten some form of chicken every night for the last month. One night, I made hamburger steaks, and she ate an entire steak by herself. She's been willing to at least try anything I've put in front of her (excluding the week of the world's worst vacation) and it has done wonderful, extraordinary things for my morale. She's gaining weight, throws less fits, and has moved up a size in clothes in three short weeks. If we could get this girl to sleep through the night, we might start making giant leaps forward in life. Please Lord Jesus. Intervene. Make the child sleep. We've done our time. Cut us a break. The church said Amen.



Other than that, it was an easy month. Cody and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. I know, right? Big deal. What did we do? Well, we went to dinner and we took our kids. My parents are Harlem Globetrotters this summer, so it was take the kids or risk just putting the date off until it wasn't worth going anymore. In my parent's defense, there are probably twelve people we could have called and they would have happily taken our kids, but I knew Ella would cry, and I didn't want to spend my night worrying about Ella. So we took them. And we stole glances at each other in-between being interrupted by our chatty two year old. And while certainly not what I envisioned, it was perfect. This man... this wonderful, God-fearing man sat in front of me. My boyfriend for seven years, my husband for five, my baby daddy for 2 years. Everything wonderful in my life eventually circles back around to him. I can appreciate my parent's marriage because of how hard we work at ours. I strive so hard to raise our babies in a house that shows love because of how well he loves me. He's my greatest pride. He's my best choice. He's the best thing that happened to my life. I'm so thankful that he sticks around through hormones and hot flashes and chick-fil-a cravings. This life is the best life, because he's committed to sticking through everything. I really never knew what the whole "The church is His bride" references in the bible, but the longer I'm married, the more sense it makes. Basically, I could go on and on about the way this man loves me, but I'll stop. Because my son is getting hungry and I'm running out of time.



I think that's all there is to say. If you haven't checked out our "30 Day Challenge," Do it! We're one week in and showing no signs of stopping! Don't get me wrong... I almost caved on Saturday. I had my first ever newborn shoot (eek!) and I didn't get home until 1 P.M. It would have been so easy to just casually stop and pick up lunch in the name of convenience, but we held strong! And now I'm more determined than ever to see it through. Anyway, here's the monthly picture (missing the deer, because he's my second kid and I'm allowed a slip up) and the Ella picture. She wasn't feeling it this month. 





Ella Morgan: Happy Second Birthday!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Two years old.


Lately, it feels like we've been raising Ella for ten years. Some days I fall into bed and can't remember what day of the week it is because they're all bleeding together. Some days I just get so tired of fighting the same fights, dealing with the same tantrums, and playing the same games. Other days, when a new little piece of personality pops through to encourage me, I want to freeze time and keep her this age forever. Isn't that kind of parenting in a nutshell?

As previously discussed, it's been a rough couple of weeks. My face has aged at least 40 years. And I begrudgingly agreed to take Ella to Stonegate's "Night at the Ballpark." We skipped last year because it was her first birthday, but I had no viable excuses this year. I'm just being real with ya. I love my husband and I love being a family, but it's hard to get everybody out at once for extended amounts of time. We don't do much of it... But I guess I was feeling adventurous and I'm so glad we ventured out. My little girl grabbed ahold of my heart strings and wrapped me right around her sticky little fingers all over again. Anybody that knows Ella knows that she's got a little bit of social anxiety. She's not into strangers and she doesn't do well with new environments. I don't know what happened tonight, but Ella sprung out of her shell. She had a sparkle in her eyes that took my breath away. She was fearless. I offered to let her play in the bounce house and she went crazy. She laughed and giggled and shrieked; it was so great for my soul. We have a swingset in our backyard that she loves, but homegirl refuses to go down the slide. So when she caught sight of the playground (on the other side of the park,) I thought "This is going to be disastrous." The slide was pretty tall. Like, I'm not being a proud mom. I was anxious when I saw her climbing the "rock wall" to get to it. She got up to the top of the slide and as my heart rate accelerated awaiting the pending scream, Ella looked down at me, grinned, and said "Goooo!" And down she went. A few giggles at my celebrations, then back up she went. Over and over and over. It wasn't all peaches and cream, of course. She had to learn about waiting her turn. There was a massive tantrum when it was time to leave the playground. But I didn't mind. It was a brief glitch in a wonderful evening. My sweet sheltered baby had never seen a snow cone before, and the gasp of astonishment and awe was really all I needed to hear to be convinced to let her try one. She ruined her romper and she looked like she murdered a smurf, but there was something endearing about it. Maybe it was one of those faces I'll look back and miss on a day that she's being too grown up for my liking. Who knows. We saw a look of panic melt quickly into a look of intrigue and glee when the fireworks started, though we only stayed ten minutes or so before she finally succumbed to the exhaustion that was creeping in. She sang random syllables as we drove home, and had an overly dramatic reaction to the "woah noon!" Though I have to agree, the moon was pretty hard to miss tonight.

All that to say, there's nothing baby left about her besides her diaper. I've always laughed at the reference, but that girl really is a wild stallion. She's so free, and her hair bounces in rhythm with each step she takes at over a hundred miles an hour. She's unpredictable, and you can easily push the wrong button and send her into a manic rage. Her soul is so colorful. She's a hundred different colors in one. And I love that about her. I love so many little things that I forget to stop and soak them in during the day to day routines. I was so proud of her fearlessness tonight. I want to dive in and pull that out of her as often as I can. Will it get her into trouble sometimes? I hope so. But I also hope that someday when she's raising her own baby, she's fearless with her as well. I try so hard to let Ella learn her own lessons and fight her own battles, though I quietly observe and encourage from the background. It makes me feel like we are succeeding in raising her to be strong when I see the anxiousness melt away to confidence in situations like tonight. It's what keeps me committed to raising a daughter that is not only gentle and gracious, but bold and courageous.

Anyway. My Ella is two. My baby bright light is continuing to blaze through the path of parenting, and we're just holding on to the ride. I have to be honest and say that I'm so relieved to see her thriving. When I found out I was pregnant with Adam, besides mourning my lack of sleep, I was also fearful that I was robbing her of a childhood she deserved. I knew the time and effort he was going to require, and I knew how exhausting 9 months of pregnancy was going to be. I was afraid she would be shushed and pushed aside too often in the light of a shiny new baby, and I was sad for her hurt feelings. I'm so happy that Adam was born when she was little. Already, in the short four months that he's been with us, I see the tiny little Mama that we're raising. If I ever tried to convince her that Adam was my baby and not hers, I would be shunned for life. She's so kind, gentle, and affectionate with him. When he's mad and crying, she comes and gets me, as if she's the only one that noticed he was crying. She kisses his baby face to the point that it's frustrating for all parties involved. I look at her with him and realize that she's just doing what she knows. She sees how we treat her, and she treats Adam that way. And that's just more affirmation for us that we're on the right track. And I never have to worry about her feeling neglected, because she makes sure to let us know when we're not paying enough attention. She's the funniest little person I know.

I didn't actually plan to write a birthday blog today, but I was so proud of my baby that I had to stop and brag on her for a second. As always, I'm so thankful that God deemed me fit to raise this little girl. With all of my frustrations and short fuses and cries that I'm in over my head, He comes down to meet me and says "You're enough." And we get through the day. I look at how beautiful she is, and I'm amazed that she came out of me. That she's a combination of the love that her Daddy and I share. And I feel so much pressure to make her see how completely lovely she is, while combatting my own insecurities. The Lord has been so good to make me aware of her watching me while I look at myself in the mirror. And we both take turns telling each other how pretty we are. Hopefully this doesn't come back and bite me in the rear end when I have a two year old asking everyone to tell her how beautiful she is... but I would prefer to fight that battle than the other.

Basically, it's been a wonderful two years. I am so tired. And clinging so desperately to Jesus, but I'm so thankful that Ella keeps me on my knees. She keeps me close to Jesus because I want so desperately for her to see Him in her Mama. May she find him young and hold him close to her for all of her days. But today, may she have the happiest birthday that she probably won't remember.

Here's to you, sweet turtle.