But until then, Ella Morgan is 5 months old. And she's beautiful... I swear she's the prettiest baby I've ever seen. I don't know if I feel that way because she's mine, or because it's true, but I stand by my conclusion. She's putting on weight so quickly that it's getting difficult to carry her around for an extended amount of time, because even though she's got great head control, we're still working on our back muscles, and that means that I have to use both arms to balance all 25 inches of her. I'm just a bit over 25 inches myself, so it's a battle to carry her to and fro. I love and hate this season of rapid growth. It makes me happy and sad. Joyful and Mournful. Welcome to Parenthood, right?
Month 5 was one of the first big doses of "Parenthood" for me. Right at the beginning of the month, my little turtle started hacking and coughing and sneezing her head off. I suctioned her nose countless times, and she still sounded congested to me. I took her to the doctor for the first time, and we were basically given a pat on the back and a "It's just drainage." Apparently she was teething so intensely that her saliva accumulated in the back of her throat until it tickled her, causing her to slurp air in, causing spit to go down her breathing tube, causing her to cough. I felt like a goon for taking her in, but the best thing about Ella's pediatrician is that she always makes you feel like the world's greatest parent for bringing her. I love that she spends time with us, instead of rushing through the appointment. I need that in a doctor for my child. For me, just tell me I'm okay and go about your business. For my baby daughter, tell me the tiniest of details. Please, give me another reason to obsess over her.
Shortly after the first doctor appointment, we scheduled Ella for her first haircut. Never in a million years did I think I would have a baby with so many hair needs. We have to wash her hair every single day, or homegirl has an oily, homeless, hobbit looking mess of hair. We have to brush through her hair, or it tangles. If she gets a nighttime bath, we have to blow-dry it, because otherwise she has a lion mane of frizz the following morning. If she lays in the floor and rubs the back of her head on the carpet, it gets this gross looking texture to it, and the only way to fix it is to wash it. This girl is a hair diva already. Fortunately, she loves bath time, and tolerates her mother's excessive need to control her hair pretty graciously. Anyway, she was so incredibly adorable during her haircut, smiling at herself in the mirror and slurping on her fingers. It only took a month for her hair to grow back to the same scraggly lengths, but I'm trying to be strong and allow her hair to enter the awkward stage and pray it passes quickly. Until then, I hang out with my Frodo haired baby and keep her hair out of her face with a bow.
A couple of weeks after the first doctor's visit, Ella's eyeball started acting sketchy. We've always battled watery eyes because of clogged tear ducts, but this was a different type of eye issue. There was a lot of goop. Her eye was matted shut, gooped back up after I cleaned it out, and got super raw and red. I sent pictures to several mom friends, a PA (Sorry Sheri), and family members. I didn't feel like it was pink eye, and neither did anybody else. I was stubborn and convinced myself that we were going to ride it out, because clearly it had something to do with the tear duct, and I wasn't going to look a fool at the doctors office again. Well, I made it 3 days before I caved. Her eye made my heart hurt, even though she seemed fairly unaware of the nasty side effects. Of course, her eye looked completely fine at the doctor, with the exception of super red skin surrounding the eye. I was prepared, and showed the doctor pictures of how gross it looked the night before. Fortunately, she said that bringing her in was the right thing to do. She pushed on Ella's tear duct, made Ella angry, And a bunch of goop came flowing out with the tears. She basically said there was an infection in her eye, but it definitely wasn't pink eye. Yay! We were prescribed eye drops and sent about our way. Ella took them like a champ, and her eye looks healthy again. Yay!
Ella is gaining weight rapidly (like, a pound in ten days), and it's exhausting to keep up with her in terms of "feedings." I mentioned this to her doctor, and while we both want me to continue breastfeeding exclusively for another month, she gave me the go ahead to give Ella cereal once a day if it gets too hard to keep her satisfied. I've only done it a handful of times, because it makes me so sad to fathom not breastfeeding my baby someday, but Ella has loved the special treat. She only gets a tablespoon of it, so I don't know if it's the spoon she loves or what, but she's so funny to watch. I video it every time I feed her. It's been a nice break, but I think I'm going to be selfish a little bit longer, and wait until 6 months to make it a part of our daily schedule. I love that feeding her is something that only I can do (except for between the hours of 12 A.M. and 7 A.M., then I hate it) and I want to hold on to that for as long as I can. Maybe we'll try again at 6 months. Maybe I'll wait a little longer. We'll play it by ear.
I didn't say anything last month, because I prayed it was a phase, but my perfectly sleeping baby has disappeared. It started with the time change and never went away. I'm assuming it's a mixture of a growth spurt, teething, cold weather, and bonding to me, but I'm fighting the war of my life to get this baby to sleep through the night, forget about trying to make her sleep in a cradle. She sleeps mostly okay if she sleeps next to me, but I don't sleep at all. Somehow, my infant baby daughter manages to take up the entire side of my bed, leaving me with achy muscles and a bad attitude. However, if I try the alternative and put her back in her cradle every time she falls asleep, We get about 45 minutes of sleep at a time, with a 20 minute fit upon awakening. This means no REM sleep for me, no feelings of good rest, a coffee overdose, and a moody wife for Cody. Basically, at this phase in our lives, I sleep horribly any way we word it. I wish so badly that Ella would take a bottle, so I could at least take her to my mom's one night and let her battle the baby so I could get at least 4 hours of constant sleep again (Sorry Mom,) but alas, she won't have anything to do with it. I refused to give her bottles the first couple of months of her life because I didn't want there to be any confusion... but that's definitely something I regret. We have to plan our dates in about a 2 hour time span, which pretty much cancels out doing much more than a quick dinner. But we make it work, because we know that it won't be like this for long... and I'll miss it.
"Kaylea, You don't work. Why don't you just sleep during the day?"
Oh, you. I've joined forces with SAHMWTD (Stay at home moms work too, Doofus). I'm not actually sure that's an organization, but I could recruit members in an instant, I'm sure of it. I've become one of the women that grows angry with people who claim that SAHMs live the easy life. I can tell you with all of the confidence in my soul that a stay at home mom works just as hard as anyone else. Even if Ella took naps longer than 20 minutes at a time, I would consider laying down with her. Maybe I could forget about everything else long enough to take a nap with her. But twenty minutes isn't worth putting everything else off. By everything else, I mean The laundry, the dishes, the meal prep, the grocery shopping, the housekeeping, the whole "raising a baby" bit, the feedings, the battle for control of your own house.... it's never ending. It's a vicious cycle. The job is never through. There are no breaks. The only perk is doing it in yoga pants. Sure, we get to love and hug on our babies, which makes it all worth it... but if staying at home with the baby meant lounging around and watching "Teen Mom," then everyone would be a stay at home mom. Real talk. Motherhood is exhausting, hard, and the greatest job in the world. All of the corny hallmark cards are true.
I feel like I'm complaining a lot. That tends to happen with my cool new sleep schedule, but I don't want any of my words to be interpreted...so I just want to make it really clear that we are crazy about this little girl. Cody always laughs at me because he'll hear me say "You drive me nuts, Ella!" and usually about 2 seconds later, he hears a baby giggle and a Mama say "Oh, I love you madly." And really, I think that sums up this section of parenthood for me. She drives me absolutely crazy. She frustrates me to the point of tears. Sometimes, I sit in the floor with her and laugh while she throws fits, because I can't please her. She makes getting anywhere on time pretty inconvenient, so I've turned into a bit of a hermit. But I cannot fathom trading her for all of the sleep in the world. Her laugh brings me more joy than anything else on this planet. She has a grin that she gives me lately, it's almost like she knows I'm on the verge of tears, and it melts me. I like to pretend the grin means "Hey, I think you're the greatest person on this planet. Sometimes I can't even believe that I get to be your baby. I'm so lucky!" And it helps. It gives us both a clean slate. In perfect honesty, the grin probably translates to "Wow, what a whack job. What could there possibly be to cry about right now?" But I choose to believe otherwise. I have to believe otherwise.
For better or worse, she's changed our lives completely. I really don't think there's any worse to it, but the phrase is boring without it. My husband loves me more because of this sweet baby that I baked for him. I love my husband more because he loves our daughter so much. We know how blessed we are to be in a loving, functioning marriage after Hurricane Ella blew through, and we know that as she grows and changes, our love for each other will too. Even if the occasional "Don't yawn in front of me. YOU stay up with her and see what tired feels like!" or "I'm sorry that I don't lactate, Kaylea. I would help you if I could" is thrown across the room at each other. At the end of the day, we know that this entire life we lead depends on us staying in love through it, so we both put a valiant effort into our marriage, and I appreciate that I have a husband that cares enough to fight for me.
Even on my most exhausting days, I appreciate my quiet time with the Lord. These days, my quiet time consists of putting on "Baby Einstein" and tuning out "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" while I try to journal my thoughts down. It tends to calm my anxious heart, and I feel refreshed when it's all said and done. I'm so thankful that I don't have to barrel through motherhood alone. I'm aware of a sweet, merciful, gracious Jesus in my life, and I wish everyone could know the peace that comes with knowing him. I really, really, really do.
I'm really rambling this blog. It probably has something to do with the fact that it's 12:45 A.M. and I have a sleeping baby sprawled across my upper body. Maybe I'm afraid to move, because I know that as soon as I do, she'll wake up again, and we'll have to start the bedtime routine all over again. Either way, it's nice to vent. So what else can I cover? Oh. I'm so thankful for great friendships in our lives. I'm thankful that we have so many friends who love our baby so deeply, whether that be Cody's co-workers (and friends) making sure that Ella and I are included in their worlds, Ella's Aunt Lexie making the trek to spend time with her so that they can build a relationship, or My BFFL Alyssa showing up and my door and flaring her nostrils at the fact that it's 2 P.M. and I'm still in my pajamas... people pursue relationships with us. Lexie loves to cuddle Ella while Ella plays with her Hair, Alyssa spoils my daughter entirely too much, and our friends demand that Ella calls them "Aunt" or "Uncle." Alyssa makes me leave the house one day a week. She makes me put makeup on, brush my hair, and stand in the sunshine for a few minutes before she lets me go inside. I am drowning in community and a text is always there to remind me of that when I start feeling sorry for myself. I love the relationships that the Lord has provided for me, because it's truly the answer to a prayer that I prayed continuously while pregnant with my tiny baby.
I guess that's all. I could go on and on. OH! Ella's first thanksgiving was wonderful. We spent the day loving on our baby, and she was a big winner in the "I'm thankful for..." game. I'm aware every moment that our story could have ended so differently, whether that be never conceiving, a hard pregnancy, or a bad labor. I bless the Lord for his goodness, and I'll forever be reminded that we never walked alone. Never once. She wore an adorable turkey outfit (Thanks, BFFL), and then we changed her into camo so that her Daddy would know somebody was cheering him on... and we took a three hour nap. It was the best. We decorated our Christmas tree during the Ice Apocalypse of 2013, and my heart of full of love and joy as we cuddled together and watched "Home Alone." It was such a wonderful three days. For me. Cody was ready for it to be over around noon of day 2.
Okay. I need to stop! Thanks for holding on through the world's most random blog. We'll see ya next month!
P.S. These Socktopus pictures are getting harder and harder to take. Seriously. She can't be still.
