On Monday, July 1st, I went for my 37 week check-up. Technically, I was 37 weeks and three days, but it's apparently all the same. I was feeling fantastic, decked out in Rangers gear from head to toe, and plotting a day of cleaning and naps. I got to the doctor's office and there was a woman in full blown labor sitting across from me. Next to me, there was a woman going through a list of foods she needed before her induction the next day. I smiled a little bit, because I was thrilled that in just a few short weeks, it would be me either dying from labor pains or bossing Cody around as I prepared to give birth. As usual, When my name was called, I had to step on the scale, and noticed I gained 2 pounds in a week with no changes to my diet. We took my blood pressure and I closed my eyes while the machine pumped the daylight out of my arm. It took several minutes to get the reading, and when the numbers popped up on the screen, I almost came out of the chair. 149/97. That's pretty much 150/100, y'all. The nurse immediately started asking all sorts of questions and took me to a room. My doctor came in about a minute later (even though I knew there were still people in front of me.) He was very calm, collected, and casual about everything as he checked her heartbeat, listened to mine, and prepped me to check my cervix. Of course, it was no where close to ready, and only a little "softened." He did say he could feel her head, which was exciting for me because it meant the process was starting. I started to relax, prepared to hear "bedrest", and thanked The Lord that she was okay. He sent the nurse for a sonogram machine and asked me where Cody was (Mondays are incredibly busy for him and my appointment was late morning. I had forced him to go to work with the promise that he wouldn't miss anything.) He found Ella on the sonogram machine and explained as he went that he was checking position and fluid. He turned the machine off, said "Hey, so, I want you to call Cody and tell him to wrap up whatever he's doing at work and come on back, because we're going to have a baby." Of course that grabbed my attention, and after a delayed reaction of "Ummmm, what?" He explained that Ella was completely okay, but her fluid was incredibly low, there were calcium deposits on my placenta, and my blood pressure/weight gain pointed to pre-eclampsia (again.) he basically said that since we were 37 1/2 weeks, it was safer for her to be out than in, so we were going to induce. I called Cody, he kind of sat in silence for awhile, then got REALLY excited. The doctor had me go home and get my stuff, then head straight to the hospital. I called my parents to meet me at the house, tried not to throw up, and took a deep breath. The moment I had cried out for only days before was here, and I had no idea how to cope with it.
Admission to the hospital was quick and easy (pre-registering has that effect) and it still felt surreal to walk into the room and change into a hospital gown. The nurses immediately hooked the blood pressure machine up, and we got a reading of 153/98. Baby was cool as a cucumber, with her heartbeat hanging out right at 160. They shoved a needle into the side of my arm, right by my wrist (ow) and checked my cervix. In one hour, I had dilated a centimeter and was 60% effaced. I celebrated and smiled, thinking that the day might not be too dramatic. The nurse placed a pill by my cervix that was supposed to dissolve and hopefully begin labor. I had to stay in bed and on my left side for 2 hours. At the end of those 2 hours, I was allowed to get up and walk around for a bit since my blood pressure had dropped to 118/77. Annoying, right? As soon as I stood up, I felt a contraction. Nothing bad, just enough that I noticed it. About thirty minutes later, I was put back in bed and had my cervix checked. No change. I watched Sleepless in Seattle and A League of Their Own and smiled that two of my favorite movies were on TV while I was waiting for my baby to come. Two hours later, another pill was placed, and not even fifteen minutes later, I was having contractions about 2 minutes apart, and about thirty minutes later, the needle was going off of the charts because they were so strong. Cody was downstairs eating dinner by then, and I think he only panicked a little when he walked back in to find his previously happy wife in a ball of tears. He sat beside me, held my hand, and kissed my cheek each time I survived another contraction. I was having them about a minute apart, and while I wouldn't say that the pain was enough to make me scream and slap Cody for putting me in this position, it was a pretty bad pain. I think the very worst part of it is that you do great for the first few hours, and then you just want them to stop for a minute. All I wanted was a break from the pressure and pain. But that wasn't happening. This went on for about an hour before my new nurse, Amanda, came in and said "Hey, I've been watching your contractions on the monitor, and I know you haven't asked yet, but I called the anesthesiologist. He'll be here in about thirty minutes. Those are really big, fast-paced contractions and they're obviously not pleasant since you're crying." I almost hugged her, but it felt like my hips were breaking, so I didn't. She checked my cervix and told me I was finally a two, and I almost punched her because I was annoyed that I wasn't at least a 5. Your mood changes rapidly and without warning during labor. Shortly after, the anesthesiologist came in, and even though he was completely in love with himself, I tried to be patient, because he had the drugs, and I needed them. The epidural was not a pleasant experience for me, mostly because he didn't tell me what he was doing, then told me not to move when he shoved a needle unexpectedly into my spine. Half way into the process, a contraction kicked in, and I was pondering ways to kill him when he said "You really shouldn't move right now."
Epidurals are a blessing and a curse. Well, for me anyway. It was wonderful to stop feeling the contractions, but I hated not being in control of my legs. It was about 9 o'clock at this point, and hunger was making itself evident. I was incredibly thirsty, and already battling dry mouth. I chewed ice chips like it was the best thing I'd ever had, but my mood was gradually declining. The next 12 hours were the most miserable part of the entire experience for me, as I was basically paralyzed in a bed, and had to page a nurse anytime I wanted to roll over. Cottonmouth was the worst part of it all, as I knew water was still hours away. I was awake until 4 o'clock in the morning, my body held prisoner, and labor had almost come to a standstill. I don't know that I've ever prayed as hard or as continuously as I did that night. The contractions were hardly even peaking. I had another pill placed at 4, and I was foolish enough to ask what happened if the 4th pill didn't work. The nurse told me we would have a 12 hour wait period, then start again. That meant another 24 hours with no food, no water, and no legs. She checked me again, still a 2. No changes in my softening cervix either. I finally fell asleep about 6:35, and my new nurse woke me up at 7:30 to check me. No changes. I threw my head back against the pillow and asked when I would get the 4th pill. She shook her head, said "The Pills obviously aren't working for us." And started a pitocin drip. Mother of mercy, even in the midst of the epidural, I could feel my uterus contracting in response. I was delighted. About 2 hours later, she came back in and said that my doctor wanted to stop the pitocin drip (it elevates blood pressure) if I wasn't dilating. She checked... No changes. At all. Defeat began to fill my heart as I waited for the 4th and final pill before a 12 hour wait. She mentioned that I would be able to eat during the 12 hours, but all I heard was that it was another 12 hours trapped in a bed before another 12 hour round of pills. I was so, so, so irritable. I was disgusted with my attitude, and I pity anyone who dared to converse with me. About noon, Cody was brave enough to come and love on me a little bit. I lost it. Tears fell faster than they've ever fallen before. Of course, the nurse walked in right in the middle of it all, and said that my doctor was in an emergency C-Section, but she would make sure he came in immediately. Well, about an hour later my doctor walked in. He checked my cervix (again) and sighed. Still a two. He sat back in a chair and said "Did your mom deliver naturally?" I said "Nope." Then he went through an entire list of scenarios and basically said that because of the position of the cervix, Ella's decision to disengage her head and hide in my ribs, and the lack of progress, he felt that there was about a 1 in 10 chance of me having her naturally. He said something about my pelvic bones also being an issue, but I had stopped listening. I already knew this meant I was going under the knife whether it was on July 2nd or July 3rd. He was wonderful enough to still allow me to believe that the decision was mine, and laughed when I said "If I was your wife and you loved me madly, what would you tell me to do?" He stood up, told the nurse to book the O.R. at 5, and said we would deliver her via C-Section. That was a weird moment for me. I knew it was the best option, and if we're being honest, the Lord prepared my heart the entire pregnancy for a C-Section. I knew. I just knew. But a piece of me was still sad, because I knew that I would be the last to see her. I knew I would have to go to recovery and go through endless vital checks because my body couldn't do what it was created to. Part of me wonders what would've happened if I had gone into labor naturally, but the other side of me knows that her life is pre-written, and nothing about that day took the Lord by surprise.
My mood lifted significantly after learning that the end was in sight. I had about a three hour wait, but I was on cloud nine. About an hour later, I gradually started feeling itchy across my chest and back. It spread to my arms and legs, and I finally buzzed the nurse because I was tearing my skin and bleeding from excessive scratching. The nurse immediately started looking for the source of the problem... I should probably mention that I have a pretty severe latex allergy. Her only conclusion was that it might be my catheter, and I told her that we sure weren't taking it out to check it now. She gave my IV a shot of something about 30 times stronger than benadryl, and I felt immediate relief. She warned me that I might feel sleepy, and I thought "Um, sleepier than going on 3 hours of sleep?" But I didn't. I just smiled and nodded. Not even 5 minutes later, I started feeling a sensation that I don't want to go into excessive detail about, but I basically thought my water broke. Cody threw the blanket back to check, and I knew by the look on his face that my water wasn't what I was feeling. My mom ran to find a nurse, and all I could do was lay in the bed and pray. I felt the blood start gushing again right about the time the steroid filled benadryl kicked in. It was a surreal moment because I couldn't decide if it was the medicine or blood loss that was making me feel sleepy. I fought with my entire being to stay awake. The nurse came in, changed my bedding, told me to relax, and had me watch Ella's heartbeat. No changes. Her sweet tiny heart never slowed, skipped a beat, or accelerated. The nurse assured me that it was because my cervix was irritated, and it likely shifted back toward where it needed to be, causing a bleed. I told her I was feeling sleepy, and she smiled and said "Then go to sleep." I prayed that the Lord would knock me out for the next hour and a half, as I couldn't stay there and think about the situation. He sure answered that prayer. Apparently during that time, Ella woke up and started moving all around my stomach. Nurses kept coming in and adjusting the fetal monitor because she kept disappearing from the radar. It was apparently a panic filled hour for those aware of the circumstances, but I was blissfully unaware. The anesthesiologist came in and started talking to me about the surgery, but I couldn't focus on his words. I knew it was go time, but I couldn't make myself wake up. It was nice to be so laid back about it all, but frustrating that I felt too drugged up to really absorb what was happening.
They wheeled me into the O.R. and my body started quivering. I was assured that hormones were causing the problem and everything would be fine. Cody came in and I immediately felt the quivers cease. It was a wonderful feeling to know that just the sight of him could steady me. I was still feeling overwhelmingly sleepy, and only snapped out of it when the anesthesiologist said "Since they've already made all of the major cuts, I'm going to assume that you're not feeling anything." I focused in on the weird sensations on the other side of the curtain, and while it's not something I would do everyday, it really did feel cool. I heard them count to three and both doctors started shoving my daughter out of my ribs. They were both shaking because of how hard they were pushing, and I felt it as soon as they finally unwedged her. About 30 seconds later, I heard him say "Cody, get your camera" and watched Cody's face move from anxious to a state of awe. He kept saying "Oh my Gosh. Oh my Gosh. Kaylea... Oh my Gosh." My husband fell in love with my daughter and I was blessed enough to watch it happen from my side of the curtain. Of course, I blame the drugs, but all I could say was "Is she bald?!" and Cody laughed. "No, Kay. She's not bald at all." They whisked her by me and over to the table so that they could get the fluid out of her lungs. A short time later, I heard a sweet baby cough and a whimper. I smiled, felt the tears well up, and thanked God for her life. They let Cody hold her, but sat him down behind me, so I still couldn't see her. They whisked her to the nursery to start oxygen (Which she didn't even need) and took Cody with them. I was left to listen to the doctor's talk about their weekend plans while they stitched me up, and then I was wheeled to recovery. The quivering started again, and it freaked everyone out. I had to assure them I wasn't seizing and it was apparently my body's response to the birth. Cody came in and showed me pictures of a tiny baby with a ton of hair, and my heart was full. I encouraged him to go and see his tiny baby, and I only had to encourage him once. People filed in and out of the room over the next half hour, and then I was taken to my post-partum room. About 15 minutes later, they wheeled my tiny baby in, and I almost clawed the nurse's eyes out when she made me go through a long list of do's and don'ts before she would let me hold her. Part of me wanted to scream "LEAVE, DOOFUS!"... but I didn't.
After the world's longest (and lamest) speech, she placed a baby in my arms. I looked down at her tiny face and felt closer to the Lord than I ever have in my life. I couldn't form words, and I think I said "Hey!" about 30 times. My heart was racing, my cheeks were blushing, and I was completely in love. Of course, Ella took the opportunity to let out a giant scream, and reality settled back in. I looked over at my husband and fell in love with him in a different way. I was indubitably the farthest thing from his mind, because all he could do was kiss our baby and say "Daddy loves you so much," but I didn't mind. The pieces from the past 9 months fell into place. Every ache, every hurt, every hormone, every tear-filled evening during the first trimester, every stretch mark, every pound gained, and every MOMENT of the pregnancy made sense. It was the greatest sacrifice I've ever made for another person, but looking into the eyes of something that was made out of love was overwhelmingly wonderful. I had waited anxiously to see what sort of creature Cody and I's genes would form, and instead of cringing, I saw the most beautiful face looking back up at us. I always kind of knew that even if she looked like Smeagle, I would think she was wonderful, but I can say with certainty that she is absolutely the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I look into her eyes and see her Daddy's staring back. She smiles (I refuse to believe that it's gas) and I see a dimple that my Dad and I both have. Her tiny toes are just as funny looking as they were on the ultrasound, and even though they probably won't be very pretty when she's older, they're cute now. I don't even have to mention how completely perfect her hair is. It blows me away every time I look at pictures.
I see the Lord's design in every facet of her being, and my heart races when I consider the times that I thought we might not see a baby Gaines. Our hearts are full of love, and we believe more than ever that the Lord is good, and that he's super creative. I am certain that we serve a God who really does want good things for us, even if our timing doesn't line up with his. I see now that the journey to get here was hard, but I don't think I was ready for how drastic and life changing the process would be this side of a year ago. It sounds so cliche to say, but your world really does change overnight. I went from arrogantly assuming that parenthood was the reward for 9 months of work, but I think it's better to warn you that pregnancy is the easy part. After the baby is here, you don't care about anything else but their well being, health, and general happiness. Sometimes, it's easy to see that they're content. Other times, you feel so helpless that you cry with them in the wee hours of the morning. The difference between the two phases is that in pregnancy, you're sacrificing your body for a tiny stranger. In parenthood, you're happily sacrificing your sanity to make sure that your child is provided for. It's the hardest, most exhausting, sometimes even the most stressful thing I've ever done. But it's also the second greatest thing I've ever done in my life. The first was marrying Cody. I know our lives will never be the same, and I probably won't ever fall into a deep sleep again, but man, when I look at her baby face, I know it's worth it all.
Large Deflating Marge Out.
"...even though he was completely in love with himself, I tried to be patient, because he had the drugs..."
ReplyDeleteYou make me laugh and cry within the same paragraph. That sounds so exhausting but I'm so happy for you guys! That little honey is so lucky to have a beautiful, Jesus lovin mama like you!