I'm actually taking it a lot better than I expected. Maybe it's because I know that easier days are ahead. Well, I say easier days are ahead. I'm sure they'll grow more inconvenient, but they're ahead. Why? Because she's almost sitting up. Because she's almost got crawling figured out. Because it'll be just a little bit easier for her to entertain herself while I get a few things done. Yes, I am aware that this also means that I'll be followed around my house and I need to baby proof everything, but it really will help me so much when she can control her surroundings a little better. Does my heart ache to know that I'm no longer the mother of a "newborn?" Yes. But it's a part of the gig. I've been reassured that the fun days are coming. The days that inspire you to say "I could do this again." When words start forming and giggles require less of a show. When crawling becomes "toddling" and they're still little enough to curl up next to you without being obnoxious about it. I don't necessarily welcome those days, but I'm okay that they're approaching.
I'm so happy to announce that we finished the first six months of her life with an exclusively breastfed baby. Where there's a will, there's a way, and my body has adjusted to meet her needs. I gave her cereal about four times, and I couldn't follow through with it. It made me too sad. So I stopped, and we soldiered through to the sixth month, as her doctor originally recommended. I'm told that we need to begin introducing her to solids, and I have, but it breaks my heart in two. I bought a few options at Target, just to see how she liked it, and she devoured them. She didn't have any tummy problems after, she didn't spit the food out, and she cooed with glee after each bite. I guess that means she's ready. I wanted her to hate them. I wanted tears and for her to refuse the baby food. I wanted to tell the doctor "We tried! She just wasn't interested in them. She clearly wants to continue being exclusively breastfed." She didn't. She gleefully and enthusiastically tries anything I throw at her. The only reaction that hasn't been an obvious love was Bananas. Weird, right? She loved green beans, peaches, and sweet potatoes... but the bananas took a few bites. I wish you could have seen me at Target when I was trying to decide which food was best for her. I stared at the food. I thought about all of the times when I told Cody "I'll never make it to six months. It's too hard!" or when I cried at 4 in the morning because he got to stay in the bed while I fed her for the umpteenth time that day. When she was in the middle of a public meltdown because she didn't like to be covered up while eating, I would fight tears on the way to the car and remind myself that the days of solid foods were coming. I longed for the days when I had another way to feed her, because she refused a bottle. Then as that six month mark started approaching, I started dreading it. I didn't want to share her. I wanted to continue to be the one that provided everything she needed. I didn't want to introduce solids yet. I mentioned as such to my husband... using something along the lines of "Cavemen probably breastfed until the kids were like 5." He shut me down, encouraged me to continue breastfeeding, but discouraged doing it exclusively. I'm not sure who the more selfish one is here... =)
Anyway, it goes by so fast. The days were so long, but here we are at 6 months. Don't get me wrong, there were days when I thought I was going to die if she didn't grow a little faster. There were days that needed to move at a quicker pace. But knowing we're already half way through "infancy" is so hard. I'm so excited for the days to come, but I'll miss breastfeeding so much. I know we still have at least another 6 months of feedings, but they'll grow farther and farther apart as we move on. It wrecks me every time. But I'm becoming more and more okay with it. I'm ready for dates with my husband again. I'll be happy to drop her off with my mom and not stress about her when I'm supposed to be enjoying him. I know that it'll be awhile before I could comfortably leave her for longer than a few hours, but hey, we're getting there. It's so funny... most days I stare at her while she throws a tantrum in the floor and think "If I could just have an hour to myself, I would have more patience for this." But when I finally call my mom to ask her to babysit, I talk myself out of it. I would miss her too much. It's an uphill battle, I tell you.
Believe it or not, this kid is still toothless. We went through two weeks of hell with this girl. No sleeping, nursing strikes, runny nose, temper tantrums, enough drool to drown in, and an exhausted family. We just knew that her first tooth was on the horizon.... Nope. Nada. Zilch. As a matter of fact, all teething symptoms have completely disappeared. I have no clue what happened, but I guess her tooth decided it wasn't ready. It was such a big fat bummer. But I'll take a happy toothless baby over the stranger that was residing in my home ANY day of the week.
I suffered a bit of a psychotic break during those two weeks. I think I mentioned in the last blog that Ella's sleeping habits had suddenly changed with the time change, and we couldn't find a good groove. She was doing a lot of sleeping with me, and I hated it. We were up every few hours, she didn't nap during the day, and I was exhausted. Exhausted. One night, I stood in my kitchen and cried. I probably cried for thirty minutes because I couldn't stand my exhaustion another second. I told Cody through sobs that something had to change, or I was going to lose my mind. We tried all kinds of things. A lavender bath before bed, followed by quiet time and rocking her to sleep. We tried putting her to bed 2 hours earlier, thinking she might be too tired to slip into a restful sleep. We fought her with all of our might, and she fought right back. We even gave "Cry it Out" a whirl. Let me just say that I salute all of the "Cry it out" Moms. I'm not one of them. I made it an hour before I caved, and I never tried it again. She was inconsolable, and slept exactly zero hours that night unless she could feel me breathing next to her. If I moved at all, she woke up. Miserable. SO, we're not a cry it out family. And it's totally okay if you are... but it wasn't for us. Never. ever. ever. Basically, I don't have a clue what changed, but about 2 weeks ago, she stayed asleep when I put her down in her cradle. And she slept a solid 8 hours. Then she did it again the next night, and she's done it since. Sometimes we get 10 hours before she wakes up to eat, but not too often. When she wakes up to eat, I can put her back down and get another 4 hours out of her before she wakes up. It's remarkable. We were still having problems with daytime naps, but after turning a "Vornado" fan on high blast, she takes two hours naps now. It's the best. I've been so much happier. I've even been motivated to exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I still hate it. Right after I delivered Ella, I told myself I would wait at least 6 months before I started really trying to lose the baby weight. Yes, I know that it's harder to lose the weight after the first six months, but I'm okay with that. I didn't want to pressure myself into doing anything, because I knew I would never stick with it. It took a long time to recover from my C-Section, and even now, I still get sore if I over do it with the workouts. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll be a size 2, but I would like to fit back into my wedding dress eventually. I'm sure as soon as I hit that weight, I'll be ready to get pregnant again, but that's just how life is. I grew a human, and then I provided nutrients for it. She's been my sole focus so far, and now that we're introducing other things to sustain her, I'm ready to start focusing on me. Breastfeeding has been great, because even though I haven't lost any more weight, I also haven't gained anymore... so that's been nice, but it's time to start making some changes. Perhaps a little less pasta and a few more greens. Boo. Anyway, I'm hoping that by posting it publicly, I'm held accountable. I'd like to lose ten pounds over the next few months. Yes. Months. I'm doing it at my own pace. I think a lifestyle change is more significant than immediate results. I've given up coffee (with the exception of social settings and early Sunday Mornings at church.), Dr. Pepper, and I'm working on Sweet tea. It's an addiction that's going to be hard to kick, but it's something I feel ready to do. So, there's that.
Speaking of weight gain, I'm glad the holiday temptations are done. Really, I'm glad the holidays are done. Like. December was on drugs y'all. At the end of the month, we were so tired that we just sat in our recliners and stared at the wall. It was hard to have a husband on staff at a really popular church. There was a lot of "single mom-ing" it, a lot of parties, a little bit of quality time, and a whole lot of memories. It's the best and worst time of the year. Ella had a wonderful first Christmas, was spoiled rotten, and adored by each of our family members. She was intrigued to eat the paper as we opened each gift, has enough new books to last her entire life, and I'm already plotting how we're going to find room for everything. It was a wonderful first Christmas, and I'll cherish it in my heart always.
In case you're wondering, If I never sell a house again in my life, it'll be too soon. I hate that we're making so many memories in this house, because it'll make it so much harder to leave. We were so convinced that our house wouldn't have any issues selling, and I'm really just at the the point that I don't know if I want to move at all. Like. Seriously. Please be praying that the Lord sends a buyer soon, because we. are. over. it.
I say it every month, and I'll say it again. It's so hard being a parent. There are days that I seriously consider ear plugs, because if I hear "Baby DaVinci" one more time, I'm going to lose my mind. But she cries for it. She plays in the floor with this cloth book, stares at the TV, and watches it as many times as I rewind it. Sometimes it's the only way to get a shower in this house, but Cody and I both feel the need to bang our heads against a wall after the third time in a day. It would be one thing if she was willing to watch multiple episodes, but she's only willing to watch one video. All day. Over and over. Is this a big complaint in the grand scheme of things? No. But any parent can relate. Every kid finds one obnoxious thing to love, and Ella's is Baby Einstein. Could it be a big purple dinosaur? Yes. Would that be worse? Probably. But I welcome a change. It's so hard to want to make fun and exciting dinners, but settling for whatever can be thrown in a pot and left alone. She's figured out that I'm her Mama, and that's a blessing and a hindrance. Sometimes when I really need to get something done, she really needs me. She's not interested in Cody, Baby Einstein, or playing... She wants to be close to her Mama, and she wants her Mama to cuddle back. Sometimes it melts my soul, but sometimes it makes getting anything done impossible. It's a weird thing, raising a human. I've learned it's possible to Love and Loathe in the same breath, Laugh and Cry in the same minute, and Long for time to move faster and slow down in the same day. It's wonderful, but maddening. It's a heartache, but the greatest joy I've ever known. Clearly I've got some things to work through.
I think that's mostly all. We've got a Roly-Poly, a baby that woke up one morning and decided she was ready to sit up, and the sweetest giggle in the world wrapped up in one tiny Ella. She's so close to crawling that she can't stand it. She throws the biggest tantrums when she gets on all fours and can't decide what to do next. She's found her voice, and "Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and "Da-da-da-da-da" have started filling our ears. When she's in a really good mood, she says "Hi" when we say it at least thirty times before her. She kicks with glee, shakes with excitement, and raises her eyebrow in confusion at us daily. We love this tiny girl, and I think she's figured out that she can melt her Daddy with a coo at any moment. She'll be using that to her advantage soon. Our lives are wonderful, exhausting, and full of grace. Every single day is a new day to show grace. Every. Day.
Here's her socktopus picture, and we'll see ya next month!
