What a month it was! Seemingly overnight, we went from a baby in our home to a tiny human. A vocal, mobile, facial expression-ing, giggly tiny human. All in one month, Ella started clapping her hands, playing peek-a-boo, dancing, "singing" with me, and truly coming into her own. She's got the personality of a 13 year old bursting through the eyes of her tiny face, and I'm already exhausted.
I've heard so many things about what it's like when your baby really understands who you are and what you represent in their lives. I've heard that there's no greater feeling and that it will melt your soul like butter on a pancake. I would like to add that while that may be true, it is also single-handedly the most exhausting thing about our lives right now. On more than one occasion this month, I threw my hands in the air and yelled "ANGST!!!" because it's the only word that I could think of at the moment. More than once I hid in the corner of my bedroom because I was too afraid to walk freely around my house, because I knew that if she heard me, she wouldn't stay asleep. Putting this child down for a nap was a nightmare. As soon as I moved her away from me and put her in the crib, she was awake and screaming. The stress and exhaustion became too much to bear for me. I was feeling very depressed, I never had an appetite (imagine that), and really ended up in a bit of a dark place for about a week. This a blog of truths, y'all. I was miserable. It was so impossible to describe to Cody through sobs that I loved staying at home with our daughter, but I also wanted to crawl under a rock until she was thirteen and it was okay to hate her. I felt like the scum of the earth because I resented her presence in my home, especially because of all of the months that I cried and prayed for a baby of my own this side of two years ago. I'm not proud of it, but I'm writing it because it's so important for you to know that it's okay to feel that way. Did I ever stop loving my baby? No. Did she still make me laugh through tears? Yes. Did I still cry when she wouldn't be away from me long enough to exercise my large digestive system? Definitely. It was a bad week. It was a horrible week. But we made it. And I blogged at the end of it. I still have Psalm 116:7 plastered on every writeable surface in this house. I need the reminder, but I also need sleep... which leads to the next section.
I hit the wall. I hit the breaking point. I waved the white flag and did what I said I wouldn't. We started "Cry it Out." I read "Baby Wise" when Ella was about a month old, but never took much away from it because we had a world champion sleeper until she was about six months old, and also: harsh. There were things that I didn't (and still don't) agree with, and though I appreciated the insight, we did things our own way. Until Kaylea lost her kool-aid over the course of month nine. So, after a talk with my husband and the shattering of my soul, I nursed my baby to the "Almost Asleep" phase and laid her in her crib, where she cried for 5 minutes and slept for ten hours.
Not.
She sat up as soon as I laid her down, waited until I walked out of the room, and then let out the loudest scream I've ever heard escape her tiny body. Windows broke, dogs howled, I feel I probably have permanent hearing damage... the whole shebang. But onward I marched... I marched down the stairs and straight into the lap of my husband. We listened to fifteen minutes of solid screams, then Cody went in and calmed her down. We listened to an additional fifteen minutes of whining, then Cody calmed her own. I sat in the chair and stared at the wall. I don't know that a single thought crossed my mind the entire time. After 40 minutes, the whining slowly turned to whimpering, and the whimpering to silence. We walked upstairs, and Ella was staring into the darkness. The girl's eyes were glazed over like a donut, but they were open. It was probably the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. About ten minutes later, we walked upstairs and found her slumped over between her legs, finally asleep. After we moved her on her belly, she slept for 6 hours while I stared at the ceiling, because I didn't know how to function in a silent bedroom. The next night involved a similar notion, but only about 15 minutes of crying and 15 minutes of creepy staring. We're slowing evolving into a different realm of bedtime around here. She's going to bed at a time that I'm not embarrassed to acknowledge, and even though it rips my heart to leave her, it's better for her. We're seeing significant changes in her mood and personality. So even though it's been extremely difficult, I am of the belief that we're on the right path. Hopefully one of these days I don't get slapped with a psych bill because she's eternally traumatized that I forced her to sleep as an infant. Kids these days.
Everything that I've ever read about infants is that they thrive on routines. "That's definitely the most impossible thing in the world," I used to say. But it's probably the truest impossible statement around. I've started shoving a routine down Ella's throat... mostly for my benefit, but hopefully for hers too. At 11:00 every morning, Ella's gets a package of baby food shoved down her throat. At 2:00 P.M. Ella gets a bath, and at 2:30, she nurses and takes a nap. The rest of the day is anybody's game at the moment, but at 6:30, she gets more baby food. These are tiny steps, but we're learning. I'm a much bigger fan of "Eh, let's see what today holds..." but that's not a life I want for my daughter. That attitude has been the root of all sorts of blowouts in my marriage. Well, blowout is a dramatic word. Cody never gets his feathers too ruffled. Unless we're late for something because "Gaines aren't late." This Gaines is late, but that's another blog. Anyway, we're working toward consistency in this house, and hopefully we see the fruits of our labor soon. Please, Lord Jesus.
I'm eternally grateful for so many people in my life. For my cousin (whom I've always referred to as an Aunt) Stina, who's always quick to answer my First time Mom questions with the bluntest, no nonsense answers in the world. I need that dose of reality in my life. Sugar Coating has never been my forte, and Stina has always been quick to deliver the bitter truth. Alyssa is still so great to come to my house and play in the floor with my baby, and most recently offered to let me take a nap while she performed her best tricks for Ella. My parents continue to usher us through this phase of our lives so graciously, providing baby food and wardrobe for my child. I don't think I realized just how badly I would need people when I embarked down the journey of pregnancy. I guess I just kind of figured "Eh, we'll figure it out." But when a fever-filled baby is screaming in your arms and you realize that you don't have even the tiniest clue about what you're supposed to do about it, you need people. When your baby's onesie is so tight that you can see cellulite, you're thankful that you don't have to pinch pennies to buy the cheapest option at Target, because all you have to do is open a closet door to find countless outfits that your mother has provided. I need people. I need them every single day. It would be miserable to walk down this road alone.
We did take Ella on her second road trip! "Wicked" is my very favorite musical and my Dad was so gracious and amazing to take us to see the touring Broadway show in San Antonio. It is a statement of fact that my soul feels at rest in Texas Hill Country. I absolutely love the environment and the restaurants... and the trees. I love the people, and servers who care about your dining experience, and outdoor shopping malls. I love it all. It was the best weekend I've had in quite some time, and I'm positively bursting at the seams to go back as soon as possible. Ella was a champ, and tolerated late nights and long car rides with surprising grace, and it did this Mama good. I enjoyed an evening out with my husband, Father and Niece (who's really closer to being a bestie) and didn't think about how tired I was even once. My mom and Ella hung out at the hotel, and while I'm sure my mother had an eternal evening, she never let on that she was worn out. I was thankful for that. All in all, it was an escape that we all needed, and I'll treasure it always.
Anyway, it was a big month around here. A hard month, but a month that truly made me aware that my daughter is growing at a pace that I'm not totally comfortable with. I think I watched her crawl across the room at lightening speed three times in a row before I turned to Cody and said "It's time to get pregnant again." And he said "Okay." And I searched Amazon for a Chastity belt because clearly NO. All joking aside (because Pregnancy is not something to joke about with a hormone driven mother of an infant), it's all happening so fast. I'll never be able to put Ella in the floor and leave her there again. I've been forced to vacuum my floors more frequently in the past month than I did in all 4 years of marriage. Everyday holds a new trick in Ella's arsenal, and I'm just trying to keep up. I know it's something that I mention in every single blog, but I'm so thankful for this little life. I'm so thankful for the screams, the tears, the laughs, the shrieks, and even the messes. It's exhilarating to see that you're doing something right every single day, and to know that you're throwing every ounce of your heart and passion into the current calling in your life. Ella might take all of my songs about Jesus and the Sheep as a giggle now, but oh, my heart will sing when I hear her sing along. The Lord has blessed me so deeply with this firecracker that we're raising, and we're absorbing every ounce of her sweetness that she's willing to give. I'm so thankful for a husband that still swats my behind as he walks through the house, for a husband that builds me gorgeous farmhouse tables that cause my heart to soar, and for a husband that takes the baby and walks around outside long enough for me to throw a chicken in the oven. I cannot imagine doing this whole phase of life without Cody pushing me along, and I'll love him until I'm dead. Or until my heart stops beating. It's really whatever makes you feel more comfortable reading.
I think that's it! This is our last month of single digits around here... I'm almost positive that my next update will include a walking baby, considering that she's standing next to me holding on to nothing at all. BLESS IT! Here's her socktopus picture!
I'm eternally grateful for so many people in my life. For my cousin (whom I've always referred to as an Aunt) Stina, who's always quick to answer my First time Mom questions with the bluntest, no nonsense answers in the world. I need that dose of reality in my life. Sugar Coating has never been my forte, and Stina has always been quick to deliver the bitter truth. Alyssa is still so great to come to my house and play in the floor with my baby, and most recently offered to let me take a nap while she performed her best tricks for Ella. My parents continue to usher us through this phase of our lives so graciously, providing baby food and wardrobe for my child. I don't think I realized just how badly I would need people when I embarked down the journey of pregnancy. I guess I just kind of figured "Eh, we'll figure it out." But when a fever-filled baby is screaming in your arms and you realize that you don't have even the tiniest clue about what you're supposed to do about it, you need people. When your baby's onesie is so tight that you can see cellulite, you're thankful that you don't have to pinch pennies to buy the cheapest option at Target, because all you have to do is open a closet door to find countless outfits that your mother has provided. I need people. I need them every single day. It would be miserable to walk down this road alone.
We did take Ella on her second road trip! "Wicked" is my very favorite musical and my Dad was so gracious and amazing to take us to see the touring Broadway show in San Antonio. It is a statement of fact that my soul feels at rest in Texas Hill Country. I absolutely love the environment and the restaurants... and the trees. I love the people, and servers who care about your dining experience, and outdoor shopping malls. I love it all. It was the best weekend I've had in quite some time, and I'm positively bursting at the seams to go back as soon as possible. Ella was a champ, and tolerated late nights and long car rides with surprising grace, and it did this Mama good. I enjoyed an evening out with my husband, Father and Niece (who's really closer to being a bestie) and didn't think about how tired I was even once. My mom and Ella hung out at the hotel, and while I'm sure my mother had an eternal evening, she never let on that she was worn out. I was thankful for that. All in all, it was an escape that we all needed, and I'll treasure it always.
Anyway, it was a big month around here. A hard month, but a month that truly made me aware that my daughter is growing at a pace that I'm not totally comfortable with. I think I watched her crawl across the room at lightening speed three times in a row before I turned to Cody and said "It's time to get pregnant again." And he said "Okay." And I searched Amazon for a Chastity belt because clearly NO. All joking aside (because Pregnancy is not something to joke about with a hormone driven mother of an infant), it's all happening so fast. I'll never be able to put Ella in the floor and leave her there again. I've been forced to vacuum my floors more frequently in the past month than I did in all 4 years of marriage. Everyday holds a new trick in Ella's arsenal, and I'm just trying to keep up. I know it's something that I mention in every single blog, but I'm so thankful for this little life. I'm so thankful for the screams, the tears, the laughs, the shrieks, and even the messes. It's exhilarating to see that you're doing something right every single day, and to know that you're throwing every ounce of your heart and passion into the current calling in your life. Ella might take all of my songs about Jesus and the Sheep as a giggle now, but oh, my heart will sing when I hear her sing along. The Lord has blessed me so deeply with this firecracker that we're raising, and we're absorbing every ounce of her sweetness that she's willing to give. I'm so thankful for a husband that still swats my behind as he walks through the house, for a husband that builds me gorgeous farmhouse tables that cause my heart to soar, and for a husband that takes the baby and walks around outside long enough for me to throw a chicken in the oven. I cannot imagine doing this whole phase of life without Cody pushing me along, and I'll love him until I'm dead. Or until my heart stops beating. It's really whatever makes you feel more comfortable reading.
I think that's it! This is our last month of single digits around here... I'm almost positive that my next update will include a walking baby, considering that she's standing next to me holding on to nothing at all. BLESS IT! Here's her socktopus picture!
