I'm still at a bit of a writer's block. I think maybe it's because when I blog, I try to make sure that I'm in a quiet room, with coffee, the clicking of the keys and my thoughts as the only noise. Occasionally, John Mayer plays in the background, but I usually ending up singing along more than blogging. So maybe I'm having such a hard time "getting back on the blog horse" because I'm actually alone with my thoughts, and lately, the heaviness there feels like too much. And I don't want to mislead anyone, because for the most part, I'm really pretty great. I'm at peace with what's happened, but as it seems to happen when babies are involved, there hasn't been much time to sit and dwell on it. It's here, in this quiet stillness that the reality of it all kind of settles in... and I can't say that I love it.
Regardless, my babies have done a fantastic job at finding new tricks and distractions to keep me from climbing into a shell of sadness. Sometimes I appreciated those distractions, like when Adam learned Pat-a-cake and we did it (do it) literally fifteen times per day. Or maybe when Ella learned how to count to 35, and we did it (do it) thirty-five times a day. My husband survived Christmas time at a church, which anybody who lives in a 100 mile radius of Stonegate now knows was kind of a huge deal. But that huge deal included a week of late nights at work, and early morning returns. I spent a week alone with my kids, and while exhausting, it was welcomed. Adam figured out that his legs move, and if he could only understand that he has to alternate legs, we'd have a walker. He does pretty well with "Right, Left, Right, Left" for about six steps, but then tries a double left, and it's all over. It's still pretty amazing that he had most of it figured out about a week before his 10 month birthday though, especially as fat as his legs are. I think they know Mom is a little distracted, because while busy and chaotic (Like dumping a bag of Doritos in the floor), they were pretty sweet. Sure, there were moments, and an occasional text to Cody that said "This is it. This is how it ends," but for the most part, it was just a week of soaking in this season with my babies.
Now that Adam is extremely mobile, we're seeing a little bit of that baby fat melting away, and I'm of course having some feelings about it. He's still massive, of course, but he's looking less michelin and more little boy. The dimples on his butt are still super prominent, but I can actually count the rolls on his legs now. A tooth filled grin (with the world's funniest gap between the top two) replaced the sweet gummy smile that I've grown to love so deeply. A curiosity for all things real food replaced an incessant need to nurse. Cuddling and face to face slumbers were replaced with a need for space and refusal of covers. Basically what I'm saying here is that baby phase is being taken away from me and I'm not fine with it. Contrary to raising Ella, I have never wished Adam older than he is today. Even on hard days, I was content to be cuddling my baby. A piece of me knew that this was it, and I needed to soak in every second. Now, I should clarify. Some days I would here a sad song on that radio that promised me that "I was going to miss this" and I would shout back "NO I WILL NOT!" and "It won't be like this for long" and I would say "Thank the LORD." Or sometimes when an exceptionally corny one like "Butterfly Kisses" came on, I would just turn it off. There are things that I won't miss, and you won't convince me otherwise. I will not miss excessive clutter, I won't miss messes under the high chair, nor will I miss sleepless nights or fits of rage after a nap cut short. I will miss muddy toes and watching tiny hands pick tomatoes off of the plants and eat them without a thorough washing. I'll miss the glimmer in their eyes when Daddy comes home after being at work all day. I'll miss faces of confusion and disgust after trying new vegetables for the first time. The little things that make the big picture are what I'll miss, but probably not the things that make me wonder what the big picture will look like. Just one of those things that you have to experience to understand, I guess.
Ella Morgan is her usual sassy self. I'm almost scared to type that she's been exceptionally healthy lately, and we've never been more relieved. We went through nine really horrendous months with that girl, and I'll be the first to tell you that I told Cody on multiple occasions "Something is wrong here. That can't be her personality." And the healthier she gets, the more I begin to see that I was right. The screaming tantrums, the hour long fights we had everyday, the whiny, the overall unpleasantness of her personality is slowly melting away, and the sweet sugar baby that we knew for so long is peeking back through... and I am ELATED. She's been without an ear infection since October, and I am cautiously optimistic that we're on the other side of this mess. She is brilliant, anxious to learn, and altogether lovely. She's truly the joy of my heart.
I touched briefly on a blog a couple of months ago that I felt like I was kind of coming into myself lately, and I'm more convinced than ever that the Lord is preparing me for something. I don't know what it is, but I'm so excited and anxious to see it unfold. I often wondered what in the WORLD he was thinking by giving me, the Queen of stressed out, two babies under two, but maybe he wanted to knock those babies out so that it would push me to find the best version of myself lately. These kiddos have been the very center of my existence for almost three years now, and while I plan on that staying mostly the same, there's been a stirring in my soul to pursue some dreams of mine. I might be listening to a little too much Mayer, because I've written "It might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul..." three or four times over the past few weeks. It would be a lie to say that Alyssa's passing didn't spark a few more of these feelings. When she died, she was in the prime of her life, chasing dreams and boldly pursuing the Lord in her endeavors. And I had to truthfully admit to myself and the Lord that I wasn't doing the same. So my "word" for 2016 is "Awaken." Initially, my word was going to be "Brave," because it's really taking all of the guts I have to pursue some of these things, but as song lyrics usually do, a few have really spoken to me lately.
"In these bodies we will live, and in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life." - Awake My Soul, Mumford and Sons
"When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again." - Only Hope, Switchfoot
"Don't for a minute change the place you're in." - Stop This Train, John Mayer
"Hello, it's me." - HA! Just kidding. But really, don't pretend Adele didn't change your life.
Basically, I've dubbed this "stirring in my soul" as an awakening. To chase some dreams, love my husband, see some different cities, and plant a garden so big that I feel overwhelmed. To be okay with leaving the kids with my Mom for a weekend in the name of true connection and time with my best friend. To be bold enough in God given talents to pursue them. To be confident in my children and loving them for the way God made them, rather than the kids I want. I'm excited for the year to come, and I even bought a planner. Not for our plans... but for my dreams. Each day I write down something I did that I was proud of, and something I'd like to do. I don't expect to all of these things this year, but it's a dream, in writing, trusting God to do what He wants to with it. A journal is the same concept, yes, but this planner is put out by one of my favorite "artists" and I wasn't turning away from it.
So here's to 2016 and the courage to awaken. In the meantime, look at my adorable baby. You'll have to excuse his hobbit hair, we can't get a hair appointment scheduled lately to save our lives.
"No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good..."
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