Life is Funny.
All of the things that you expect to come easily come the hardest. The things that you never expect to happen are the things that happen first. Sometimes that's a really good thing, and sometimes it's a punch to the gut. It's a strange part of life, and most of the time, I'm grateful for it.
Sometimes I'm not so grateful for it. Sometimes I feel like I live my life WAITING for this ONE thing to happen... and then it doesn't. Sometimes I feel like if I could just get my hands around this dream, if I could just see this desire of my heart fulfilled, if I could just see what life would be like for one second, everything frustrating about the journey would be worth it... but maybe I'm just not meant to win a Grammy. Or an Emmy. Or play the lead role in Wicked. =D Just kidding. Sort of.
I'm usually thankful for the waiting period during a time between good and great. Because if I'm being honest, my life has never been bad. It's been uncomfortable and tedious, and with the exception of high school (when EVERY DAY is the worst day of your life,) I've always been thankful for the simple life.
Until life isn't simple. Until life throws a lot of uncertainty around. Until Life gives you lemons and you can't make lemonade. Until life makes you so downhearted that you finally just stay in bed until you wake up one day.
And the most difficult part of it all is that I know the answers. I know who's running the show. I know that the Lord is faithful. I know that the Lord hears the cries of my heart. I know that his idea of greatness in my life is ASTRONOMICALLY and exceedingly beyond anything I could ever comprehend. I know that he hasn't abandoned ship. I know that he is bigger than any obstacle I come against.
...but where does that leave you while you're waiting? When your heart is expectant and full of hope, and then little by little you wear down until there's nothing left but brokenness. And while everything else about life is great, there's a heaviness inside of your heart that almost makes you crazy because you can't think about anything else. You base all of your decisions on something that isn't guaranteed, and even when you try to exclude it, it still lingers in the back of your mind.
So what do you do? Where do you stand on the battle between spirit and flesh? Between knowing the Lord won't let go of his promises and Feeling like you've been left in a valley in the dead of night? You can't see the shepherd, and you're too afraid to move because the wolves might attack. You can see the wolves, but the only voice you hear is the shepherd's. What's the next move?
And then I think, why do I have to move. How many times does the bible say to "Be Still"? How many times does the Lord REMIND me that HE is God. That HE is enough. How many times does the bible say "Fear Not"? How many times have I tried to fight my own battles instead of being still?
Why do we do that? Why do we pack our minds full of ground to stand on when things get difficult, only to abandon it as soon as the trials come? Why do we convince ourselves that the same God that delivered Egypt, rescued Jonah, Daniel, three men standing in fire, and countless others won't do the same for us? Why wouldn't he rescue us too? He promised Sarah a baby, and it took like a zillion years, but she sure got herself a baby. The Lord is gracious, merciful, and everything he says he is. And maybe if I learned to shut up and chill, I would see everything he's already done. He's brought me so far, and my story is so much more than love... It's rescue. It's a story of overcoming. Mercy is the melody. Redemption is the song.
Maybe the Lord really is for me. Maybe the Lord really won't forsake me in my weakest hour. Maybe I'm saying maybe because it's witty, not because it's really a question.
Maybe we all need reminded of these subtle details every now and then. I know I did.
"Be still, my soul, Be still....
Be still, my soul, Be Still...
Wait Patiently upon the Lord...
Be still, my soul, Be still..."
---- "Be Still"- Kari Jobe
Be still.
Monday, July 2, 2012
In 1 hour and 12 minutes, "The Gaines" will be 2 years old... but as fate would have it, I'm getting really old, and it really is fascinating to see how much faster the desire for sleep comes as I grow old. I blame Cody, but I suppose there are worse situations to be in than growing old with someone.
It is incredibly difficult to conceive that we are already at this point, when just last month I told one of my dearest friends "I seriously feel like I've been married for 30 years." It has been two years of joy, laughter, and watching dreams unfold in front of our faces. It has also been two years of confusion, hurt, and brokenness, but it was a good kind of pain. You see, when Cody and I began our journey together nearly four years ago, neither of us were really where we needed to be in our walk with the Lord. And we kind of stayed in that place for awhile, and I realize now that some of the hardest parts of our relationship together were the times that we were trying to figure it out ourselves. In four years, I've watched him go from a man that loved me to a man that is completely captivated by my every breath because he sees me the way the Lord does. I loved him before, but because of the way Cody chooses to love me, my every moment of being his wife is simply bliss.
To sum up alot of little reasons why, I knew about 3 weeks into my relationship with you that this was it. I was 18 years old with no idea how to make an adult relationship function, let alone with somebody that was 6 years older than me. You have spent many a moon waiting for me to grow up, and most days I think that you're still waiting for me to come around. What can I say, I keep us young! I was 19 years old when you proposed to me, and I was terrified. I had never felt more unsure or more certain of anything in my life. Yet, in spite of all of the rumors (apparently we got engaged because I was pregnant,) the disapprovals (I would regret it because I was young and blind,) and the opinions (We were crazy to get married 6 months after our engagement,) my life has always made sense with you, Cody. The peace in my heart has meant more to me than any other thing that has come into or left our lives. The joy that you bring to me will never be taken for granted. The laughter will echo in my heart even when we're 90 and I can't remember your name. The love that I hold for you will never be contained, and I'll spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me. I've never regretted saying "Yes" the day that you asked me to be your wife, and if anything, I wish I had met you sooner.
I married you on the 3rd day of July. I chose this day because it was the only date that the photographer had available in the summer. It wasn't until the wedding was almost here that I realized that we will ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. You're welcome. Oh, and thank you, America. I hardly even remember that we were originally set to marry in October, but I guess that means that July 3rd really was meant for us. It rained the entire week of the wedding, and the entire day of, which is interesting, because while I do adore the rain, we've pretty much been in a drought ever since. We went into the church with the rain pouring down and as two separate people. Then Jay married us, and we left the church as one. As soon as we walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. I have made a permanent decision to allow the situation to dictate my views on our marriage. When we were apart, the world was cloudy and it wasn't a very happy place. But as soon as you were by my side and my husband, the world lit up, and even the ugliest of situations seemed beautiful . In case you're wondering, I still would have preferred a beach wedding or at least a small ceremony in the church prayer garden on a Wednesday... but I'm still glad I married you.
The second year of our marriage has undoubtedly been my favorite in ALL of our years together. Seriously. We have changed our world and we have grown in our walk with the Lord and we've grown to love and communicate with eachother efficiently with a lot less "UGHS" and "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!" We live in a gorgeous home that is ours and almost every room is some shade of blue. We watch "The Big Bang Theory," "Bones," "The Killing," "Friends," and "Modern Family" all of the time. We argue over baby names and nursery themes for babies that don't exist. We love to grow things together, and I've successfully forced squash, zucchini, broccoli, and asparagus down your throat. Sometimes you're great birth control, but Loving you is so natural... and I love that two years later, coming home to you still gives me butterflies. Searching my recipe books for things that you might like has become on of my favorite hobbies. Rolling my eyes at the littlest things that you get excited about secretly make my heart take flight. We've come to understand each other in creepy ways, but I still learn something new about you every day. Today, I learned that you judgmentally stare at cashiers who didn't really give you extra oreos in your blizzard. My life with you has been a dream come true, and to fathom that we have at least 50 more years together (God willing,) makes me so excited.
I don't know what the future holds, and that used to really bother me. I used to feel that if I wasn't pregnant by 23, then I would be too old for babies. I used to believe that I would never finish school, now I'm 2 semesters away. I used to believe that my life would be fine even if I never found somebody to love me, but oh, I was wrong. My life without you would be so dull, passionless, and lacking in joy (and puppies.) If I had followed my life the way I planned it, you wouldn't be in it. And that would have been my demise. You are the living example of Jeremiah 29:11 in my life, and I'll spend the rest of it thanking God that you were the one. I love you more than I know how to say, but I promise to never stop trying. You're my dream come true, my happily ever after, my future baby daddy, and the part of my day that I look forward to. Happy Anniversary, Moon Pie!
Oh, well, it's still 6 minutes away. But it'll have to do. I'm practically asleep.
Love Never Fails (Even if Your wife crashes before your anniversary,)
-KG-
It is incredibly difficult to conceive that we are already at this point, when just last month I told one of my dearest friends "I seriously feel like I've been married for 30 years." It has been two years of joy, laughter, and watching dreams unfold in front of our faces. It has also been two years of confusion, hurt, and brokenness, but it was a good kind of pain. You see, when Cody and I began our journey together nearly four years ago, neither of us were really where we needed to be in our walk with the Lord. And we kind of stayed in that place for awhile, and I realize now that some of the hardest parts of our relationship together were the times that we were trying to figure it out ourselves. In four years, I've watched him go from a man that loved me to a man that is completely captivated by my every breath because he sees me the way the Lord does. I loved him before, but because of the way Cody chooses to love me, my every moment of being his wife is simply bliss.
 |
| We were about 6 months old here. Check out that hair! |
I married you on the 3rd day of July. I chose this day because it was the only date that the photographer had available in the summer. It wasn't until the wedding was almost here that I realized that we will ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. You're welcome. Oh, and thank you, America. I hardly even remember that we were originally set to marry in October, but I guess that means that July 3rd really was meant for us. It rained the entire week of the wedding, and the entire day of, which is interesting, because while I do adore the rain, we've pretty much been in a drought ever since. We went into the church with the rain pouring down and as two separate people. Then Jay married us, and we left the church as one. As soon as we walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. I have made a permanent decision to allow the situation to dictate my views on our marriage. When we were apart, the world was cloudy and it wasn't a very happy place. But as soon as you were by my side and my husband, the world lit up, and even the ugliest of situations seemed beautiful . In case you're wondering, I still would have preferred a beach wedding or at least a small ceremony in the church prayer garden on a Wednesday... but I'm still glad I married you. 
The First year of our marriage was mostly simple. I mean, besides the fact that our first home was broken into, we went to Jamaica, we moved into a house that was way too large and outdated, and we literally resorted to breaking into the piggy bank once to get a blizzard. That was just off of the top of my head, but I feel they were worth mentioning. There were times that I felt the need to throw a fork at your face, and there were times that I'm sure you wanted to lock yourself in the studio just to get away from me for a minute, but I love the simplicity of our marriage. I love the routines, and the balances, and the fact that you try not to blatantly favor the dogs in front of me. It gives me great hope for our children. In our first year of marriage, I mostly learned that it's not okay to leave my laundry in 2 piles on the floor, it's not okay to use you razor, it's not okay to throw away cookies that have been left out for over a week, and it's DEFINITELY not okay to touch studio stuff while you're mixing. The first year was a blast, but surreal, because everybody stared at us like lab rats.
The second year of our marriage has undoubtedly been my favorite in ALL of our years together. Seriously. We have changed our world and we have grown in our walk with the Lord and we've grown to love and communicate with eachother efficiently with a lot less "UGHS" and "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!" We live in a gorgeous home that is ours and almost every room is some shade of blue. We watch "The Big Bang Theory," "Bones," "The Killing," "Friends," and "Modern Family" all of the time. We argue over baby names and nursery themes for babies that don't exist. We love to grow things together, and I've successfully forced squash, zucchini, broccoli, and asparagus down your throat. Sometimes you're great birth control, but Loving you is so natural... and I love that two years later, coming home to you still gives me butterflies. Searching my recipe books for things that you might like has become on of my favorite hobbies. Rolling my eyes at the littlest things that you get excited about secretly make my heart take flight. We've come to understand each other in creepy ways, but I still learn something new about you every day. Today, I learned that you judgmentally stare at cashiers who didn't really give you extra oreos in your blizzard. My life with you has been a dream come true, and to fathom that we have at least 50 more years together (God willing,) makes me so excited.
I don't know what the future holds, and that used to really bother me. I used to feel that if I wasn't pregnant by 23, then I would be too old for babies. I used to believe that I would never finish school, now I'm 2 semesters away. I used to believe that my life would be fine even if I never found somebody to love me, but oh, I was wrong. My life without you would be so dull, passionless, and lacking in joy (and puppies.) If I had followed my life the way I planned it, you wouldn't be in it. And that would have been my demise. You are the living example of Jeremiah 29:11 in my life, and I'll spend the rest of it thanking God that you were the one. I love you more than I know how to say, but I promise to never stop trying. You're my dream come true, my happily ever after, my future baby daddy, and the part of my day that I look forward to. Happy Anniversary, Moon Pie!
Oh, well, it's still 6 minutes away. But it'll have to do. I'm practically asleep.
Love Never Fails (Even if Your wife crashes before your anniversary,)
-KG-
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