Tomorrow night, Ella Morgan is being dedicated to the Lord in front of our friends and family at church. I know, she's 10 months old. We're a little behind, but it is what is is, because LIFE. Something has come up every month, and we finally just had to put our foot down and say "make it or don't, she's getting dedicated in May." So with that, we made our plans and attended the class and wah-la, tomorrow we make official what we declared on November 8, 2012. From the very moment we found out a tiny poppy seed was inhabiting my uterus, we made the same declaration:
Every minute, every moment, and every facet of this baby's being belongs to the Lord.
For the majority of my pregnancy, this was a great struggle for me. I was afraid of losing this sweet little fragile embryo for the first trimester, I battled a baby that didn't move at all my second trimester, and I was terrified of cord disasters and early labor for most of the third. I knew the Lord and his faithfulness, but those fears still surfaced. I'm only human, and I wasn't proud of those fears, but there was a never-ending battle for peace vs. stress.
When a baby with a head full of hair was placed in my arms for the first time, there was an overwhelming feeling of joy in my heart, but almost immediately, a great wave of anxiousness. How could I possibly prevent anything bad from happening to this baby? As the weeks went on, thanks to social media and various web sources, I became increasingly aware of the horrible things that can happen in this world. Fear of the unknown overshadowed some of the happiest days of my life, and I wish I had been bolder in casting them down... I knew God and his sovereignty, but just as a Lioness protects her cub, I felt an overwhelming need to protect, and I felt alone in doing so. And while we're on it, Lioness is probably not an accurate description of my persona... we could probably lean more toward a hummingbird, because I hovered almost excessively. I'm just being real. I sat and watched the child breathe, just to make sure she didn't stop.
Somewhere along the line, my hormones figured out that there was no need to continue acting like an angry hill of ants, and I started to ease up. I started sleeping through the night when my baby slept in her crib instead of next to me. I started enjoying dropping her off at my mom's instead of worrying about her the entire time. I still miss her something horrible when I'm away, but I see now that we both need that separation. It's not a bad thing. At some point, I started believing it when I said that The Lord is in control of this whole shebang, and I'm mostly here to push her toward Jesus and pursuing him in her life choices. I cling daily to the promises that He is FOR me, and that means he is FOR Ella.
However, as we creep on this dedication, the weight of that decision has weighed heavily on me. It's not even that we're making it "official," because our sweet friends prayed with us while we were in Labor that we acknowledged that Ella belongs to the Lord, and since then we've maintained the mindset. He's carried us here, so it's not like when we stand in front of our peers, he'll say "Oh yeah, I forgot about Ella Gaines! Let me start watching over her now that she's OFFICIAL."
It's the weight of truly being okay with whatever His plan is. Stop and ponder the heaviness of that statement. Anything, Wonderful or horrible, I have to be okay with. A few weeks ago, one of the sweetest gems on this earth made a video for our church, and in that video, she said "If God promises never to leave me or forsake me, Then how could anything good or bad come into my life that is not filtered through the hand of God?" Oh, I wish you could be sitting here with me now, because tears are streaming down my face. Every time that sentence plays through my head, I just weep. Dedicating my baby to the Lord means washing my hands of responsibility. Not in a literal sense, I do plan to continue feeding my child, even if Jesus is the bread of life. It means that I say "I trust you with my whole heart, Lord, and I trust that your way for her is the best way. Thy will be done in her life." It's so hard. Especially as she gets older and I fall deeper and deeper in love with her as I start seeing her personality and her heart. It's been a heavy feeling.
So of course, when you're already worn down mentally, what's the best thing that can happen? Oh, just your daughter deciding that she doesn't want to sleep through the night. Last night was just a mess for us. She was not content anywhere. Not in her bed, not in my bed, not in the floor. She wasn't interested in eating... I was at a loss. For the sake of my husband, I picked her up and carried her to her rocker, where I said "Sometimes I wish I could put you in a box and throw away the key." Out of nowhere, she looked at me dead in the eyes and put her hands on my face. I smiled at her, she smiled at me, and she put her head on my chest and sighed. Not even ten seconds later, she was asleep. I cannot begin to explain the peace and the stillness of the room in that moment. Never, in ten months of parenthood, have I felt closer to the Lord. Never have I been more aware of his presence, his peace, or his sovereignty. For all of the days that I said "Is there a distinct possibility that you've abandoned ship and left me alone here with this screaming baby?," for all of the times that I cried because I felt so overwhelmed, for all of the times that I felt certain that I would go gray before I saw any sort of redemption in motherhood, the Lord showed up. I sat in the rocking chair and wept while she slept peacefully on my chest. I immediately knew that the Lord was choosing his own way to show me that He truly does love us. He truly sees us. His thoughts toward us truly outnumber all of the stars in the heavens and all of the grains of sand. There is nothing, Good or Bad, that could come into our lives that did not first filter through the hand of God.
Peace. The peace that passes understanding. I don't know the answers to a lot of things. I don't know why children get cancer and I don't know why horrible things happen that will affect this Country and the future for her generation... but I don't need those answers. If I knew why there was bad, I wouldn't need Jesus. I wouldn't need His comfort or His peace at the end of the day. I don't know why he chose to bring me the answers to my questions at 3:44 in the morning...well, yes I do. I probably wouldn't have paid attention if it had been any other nap on any other day. His eye is on the sparrow, and his eye is on Ella Morgan. She is his child just as I am, and I believe now, more than ever, that He's alive and present in our lives.
So, all of that to say, if you're around Wednesday Night at 7, come to church and watch me proclaim confidently and proudly that I promise to Love and raise her to follow Jesus all of her life, and I whole-heartedly dedicate her life to Him and His will.
Tis so Sweet to trust in Jesus. See ya next time, friends!
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