29 Weeks/ Mother's Day

*****Doing things a little differently this week because it was such a boring week. I passed my 3 hour glucose test with flying colors, and my doctor believes that the only reason I failed my initial test was because I was fighting an infection (apparently my white blood cells were elevated.) That would make sense, because I was a snot filled, lung hacking, cranky, continually exhausted pregnant woman that week. So, that was good and annoying to hear. That was the only big news! So, this week you get a letter to Ella (for her baby book. Which is the entire purpose of this blog.)

Hello, Sweetest one...

This is a really weird day for me, and a really weird letter to write. You see, on the outside of the womb, tomorrow is Mother's Day. It's a holiday dedicated to honoring mom, getting her a small gift as a token of appreciation, competing with your siblings to make mom cry the hardest with your words in a greeting card, and fighting restaurant crowds to bond as a family while mom looks at her flock and smiles at a job well done. We hug mom a little tighter, voluntarily take photos to make her happy, and make sure we say "I love You" before we say goodbye. Mother's Day is a good day, and I've always looked forward to cashing in on it. Always. Like, I was thirteen years old and thinking "Mother's Day is awesome. I can't wait to get in on this action."

Yet as we approach the day, whenever people tell me "Happy Mother's Day!", I find that I don't know how to respond. Part of me smiles, Part of me scoffs, Part of me feels like throwing up. Because it's all over now, Cinderellie. Though I technically don't have you here to show off to the world, you're kind of hard to miss in this belly. People see you, and acknowledge you, and they smile. Pregnant bellies do something to people. I don't know if it makes them remember a time before soccer tournaments and hectic schedules, or maybe it gives people the people who want a baby belly hope, or maybe they're just happy that it's me and not them. I don't know what it is, but even though you're not here to cuddle with, you've been accepted into our family by society. Well done. Anyway, it's hard to believe that I've finally made it to the realms of motherhood. And that's the part that's kind of nauseating. So before you finish baking, there are some things you should know. I feel it'll bring us closer, and it's better to clear the air.

1. I am absolutely crazy about your daddy. I mean, I adore him. I love his fluffy hair, his contagious laugh, his redneck tendencies, and how much he loves me. Sometimes I'm a little nervous about sharing him with you. We have the most wonderful time together. We love to sit on the porch together and talk about our dreams. We love gardening together. We love to hold hands while we walk. We really just love being together, and it's been that way for about 5 years now. I'm not saying that things have always been easy, because sometimes marriage is hard. But it's always been right. It's always been worth it. I know that having you is only going to make us love each other more, but I also know that you're going to wreck his world. I'm excited to watch you two fall in love with each other, but part of me is sad to know that the days of being the only girl in his life are almost over. The other part of me knows that The Lord blessed us with a wonderful man, and I have a feeling that he'll do everything he can to let us both know how deeply loved we are. So it'll all work out. Oh, and just so you know, we kiss a lot. We love to kiss each other, so that's just something you're going to have to learn to live with.

2. Sometimes I'm terrified of being a mom. I know babies. I know how to pacify them. I'm not scared of you as an infant. I'm scared of you as a child. I'm afraid of how I'll respond the first time somebody hurts your feelings... because I just want to be honest with you, girls can be vicious. Even at 10 years old. I'm afraid that you're going to love math, and I won't know how to encourage it. The alphabet doesn't belong in the number system. I don't know WHY your daddy loves it the way he does, but it's pretty much not American. I'm afraid that you'll roll your eyes at spelling and grammar, and I won't know how to cope with it. I'm afraid of the first time you tell me you have a "boyfriend" in the 6th grade, because I'll be forced to inform you that you don't. And then find some way to tell your daddy this news, because there will be no secrets. I'm afraid that I won't be patient enough. I tend to expect children to act civilized and calm at all times, and I want to be okay with you acting like a looney tune sometimes. I'm afraid of being a worrying mom, and I don't want to discourage you if you're fearless. I'm afraid of being too strict, but I want you to be a good person. I want you to be a reader, I want you to be intelligent, and I want you to fascinate people with your trivia. I will not allow Dora the Explorer in this house. I can't handle that nonsense. I'm afraid of learning to let you go as you get older, because I already want to protect you from heartache. I'm not even going to dive in to junior high and high school, because I'll hyperventilate. Basically, I love you so madly. I'm so absolutely in love with your sweet face that I'm afraid of not being enough. I'm confident that the Lord wouldn't have given you to me if I wasn't ready, but I don't know anything about kids over the age of eight, because I tend to avoid them. Fortunately for you, I'm the only mom you'll know for awhile. So I have a little bit of time to sort through my fears. And by the way, I know that I have nothing to fear because we're on team Jesus, but Jesus appreciates it when I bring my worries to him. I just felt it was appropriate to let you know ahead of time that I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm willing to figure it out... because I kind of adore you, and also, it's too late to turn back.

3. This is your Pappy, and he loves me more than he loves you. Okay, that was a little immature of me, but it'll be a while before you can actually read this. By then, you'll know how much he loves you... But he'll probably love you in an entirely different dynamic that I'll still be jealous of, but willing to tolerate. I just wanted to clear the air. He was mine first, and I will thump you in the head if you try to steal him from me.

4. This is your Nani, and she is the reason that you have clothes in your closet. She's the reason you've had clothes in your closet since you were an embryo. She will move heaven and earth for you, and while it's incredibly awkward for me, she has full conversations with you... even though you're in my stomach and ignore her most of the time. She encourages me to survive each day of pregnancy, forced me to feed you when I was the sickest (you'll recall the gallbladder incident,) and has been super involved with every step of your life so far. We are eternally indebted to Nani, and it makes me love you more because you've brought me even closer to her. So Mom, I know you'll read this because you're a cyber-stalker, Happy Mother's Day. Thanks for carrying me through this whole journey, you'll never know how much it means to me. Also, I will consider calling you the evening before her birth instead of the hour before. It's the least I can do.

I think those were the major things. You should mostly know that you have about 10 weeks before your world is wrecked, but you have no idea what you're coming home to. I don't know that a baby has ever been more loved than you are, and you're not even here yet. I'm ready to kiss your toes while they're still pretty, but I probably won't do that after you're about 6 months old. I'm so blessed and overjoyed to be your mom, and I can promise you that nobody will be crazier about you than me. There was a time where I wasn't even sure I'd ever get to be a mom, so that fathom that you're mine is still so breathtaking. I cannot wait to share dreams with you, to hold you, to introduce you to Jesus, and to take you to a Rangers game. You are loved, adored, welcomed, and cherished... and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you know it. Here's a photo of us, and I'm so excited to see what you look like in next year's picture.