Life is Funny.
All of the things that you expect to come easily come the hardest. The things that you never expect to happen are the things that happen first. Sometimes that's a really good thing, and sometimes it's a punch to the gut. It's a strange part of life, and most of the time, I'm grateful for it.
Sometimes I'm not so grateful for it. Sometimes I feel like I live my life WAITING for this ONE thing to happen... and then it doesn't. Sometimes I feel like if I could just get my hands around this dream, if I could just see this desire of my heart fulfilled, if I could just see what life would be like for one second, everything frustrating about the journey would be worth it... but maybe I'm just not meant to win a Grammy. Or an Emmy. Or play the lead role in Wicked. =D Just kidding. Sort of.
I'm usually thankful for the waiting period during a time between good and great. Because if I'm being honest, my life has never been bad. It's been uncomfortable and tedious, and with the exception of high school (when EVERY DAY is the worst day of your life,) I've always been thankful for the simple life.
Until life isn't simple. Until life throws a lot of uncertainty around. Until Life gives you lemons and you can't make lemonade. Until life makes you so downhearted that you finally just stay in bed until you wake up one day.
And the most difficult part of it all is that I know the answers. I know who's running the show. I know that the Lord is faithful. I know that the Lord hears the cries of my heart. I know that his idea of greatness in my life is ASTRONOMICALLY and exceedingly beyond anything I could ever comprehend. I know that he hasn't abandoned ship. I know that he is bigger than any obstacle I come against.
...but where does that leave you while you're waiting? When your heart is expectant and full of hope, and then little by little you wear down until there's nothing left but brokenness. And while everything else about life is great, there's a heaviness inside of your heart that almost makes you crazy because you can't think about anything else. You base all of your decisions on something that isn't guaranteed, and even when you try to exclude it, it still lingers in the back of your mind.
So what do you do? Where do you stand on the battle between spirit and flesh? Between knowing the Lord won't let go of his promises and Feeling like you've been left in a valley in the dead of night? You can't see the shepherd, and you're too afraid to move because the wolves might attack. You can see the wolves, but the only voice you hear is the shepherd's. What's the next move?
And then I think, why do I have to move. How many times does the bible say to "Be Still"? How many times does the Lord REMIND me that HE is God. That HE is enough. How many times does the bible say "Fear Not"? How many times have I tried to fight my own battles instead of being still?
Why do we do that? Why do we pack our minds full of ground to stand on when things get difficult, only to abandon it as soon as the trials come? Why do we convince ourselves that the same God that delivered Egypt, rescued Jonah, Daniel, three men standing in fire, and countless others won't do the same for us? Why wouldn't he rescue us too? He promised Sarah a baby, and it took like a zillion years, but she sure got herself a baby. The Lord is gracious, merciful, and everything he says he is. And maybe if I learned to shut up and chill, I would see everything he's already done. He's brought me so far, and my story is so much more than love... It's rescue. It's a story of overcoming. Mercy is the melody. Redemption is the song.
Maybe the Lord really is for me. Maybe the Lord really won't forsake me in my weakest hour. Maybe I'm saying maybe because it's witty, not because it's really a question.
Maybe we all need reminded of these subtle details every now and then. I know I did.
"Be still, my soul, Be still....
Be still, my soul, Be Still...
Wait Patiently upon the Lord...
Be still, my soul, Be still..."
---- "Be Still"- Kari Jobe
Be still.
Monday, July 2, 2012
In 1 hour and 12 minutes, "The Gaines" will be 2 years old... but as fate would have it, I'm getting really old, and it really is fascinating to see how much faster the desire for sleep comes as I grow old. I blame Cody, but I suppose there are worse situations to be in than growing old with someone.
It is incredibly difficult to conceive that we are already at this point, when just last month I told one of my dearest friends "I seriously feel like I've been married for 30 years." It has been two years of joy, laughter, and watching dreams unfold in front of our faces. It has also been two years of confusion, hurt, and brokenness, but it was a good kind of pain. You see, when Cody and I began our journey together nearly four years ago, neither of us were really where we needed to be in our walk with the Lord. And we kind of stayed in that place for awhile, and I realize now that some of the hardest parts of our relationship together were the times that we were trying to figure it out ourselves. In four years, I've watched him go from a man that loved me to a man that is completely captivated by my every breath because he sees me the way the Lord does. I loved him before, but because of the way Cody chooses to love me, my every moment of being his wife is simply bliss.
To sum up alot of little reasons why, I knew about 3 weeks into my relationship with you that this was it. I was 18 years old with no idea how to make an adult relationship function, let alone with somebody that was 6 years older than me. You have spent many a moon waiting for me to grow up, and most days I think that you're still waiting for me to come around. What can I say, I keep us young! I was 19 years old when you proposed to me, and I was terrified. I had never felt more unsure or more certain of anything in my life. Yet, in spite of all of the rumors (apparently we got engaged because I was pregnant,) the disapprovals (I would regret it because I was young and blind,) and the opinions (We were crazy to get married 6 months after our engagement,) my life has always made sense with you, Cody. The peace in my heart has meant more to me than any other thing that has come into or left our lives. The joy that you bring to me will never be taken for granted. The laughter will echo in my heart even when we're 90 and I can't remember your name. The love that I hold for you will never be contained, and I'll spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me. I've never regretted saying "Yes" the day that you asked me to be your wife, and if anything, I wish I had met you sooner.
I married you on the 3rd day of July. I chose this day because it was the only date that the photographer had available in the summer. It wasn't until the wedding was almost here that I realized that we will ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. You're welcome. Oh, and thank you, America. I hardly even remember that we were originally set to marry in October, but I guess that means that July 3rd really was meant for us. It rained the entire week of the wedding, and the entire day of, which is interesting, because while I do adore the rain, we've pretty much been in a drought ever since. We went into the church with the rain pouring down and as two separate people. Then Jay married us, and we left the church as one. As soon as we walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. I have made a permanent decision to allow the situation to dictate my views on our marriage. When we were apart, the world was cloudy and it wasn't a very happy place. But as soon as you were by my side and my husband, the world lit up, and even the ugliest of situations seemed beautiful . In case you're wondering, I still would have preferred a beach wedding or at least a small ceremony in the church prayer garden on a Wednesday... but I'm still glad I married you.
The second year of our marriage has undoubtedly been my favorite in ALL of our years together. Seriously. We have changed our world and we have grown in our walk with the Lord and we've grown to love and communicate with eachother efficiently with a lot less "UGHS" and "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!" We live in a gorgeous home that is ours and almost every room is some shade of blue. We watch "The Big Bang Theory," "Bones," "The Killing," "Friends," and "Modern Family" all of the time. We argue over baby names and nursery themes for babies that don't exist. We love to grow things together, and I've successfully forced squash, zucchini, broccoli, and asparagus down your throat. Sometimes you're great birth control, but Loving you is so natural... and I love that two years later, coming home to you still gives me butterflies. Searching my recipe books for things that you might like has become on of my favorite hobbies. Rolling my eyes at the littlest things that you get excited about secretly make my heart take flight. We've come to understand each other in creepy ways, but I still learn something new about you every day. Today, I learned that you judgmentally stare at cashiers who didn't really give you extra oreos in your blizzard. My life with you has been a dream come true, and to fathom that we have at least 50 more years together (God willing,) makes me so excited.
I don't know what the future holds, and that used to really bother me. I used to feel that if I wasn't pregnant by 23, then I would be too old for babies. I used to believe that I would never finish school, now I'm 2 semesters away. I used to believe that my life would be fine even if I never found somebody to love me, but oh, I was wrong. My life without you would be so dull, passionless, and lacking in joy (and puppies.) If I had followed my life the way I planned it, you wouldn't be in it. And that would have been my demise. You are the living example of Jeremiah 29:11 in my life, and I'll spend the rest of it thanking God that you were the one. I love you more than I know how to say, but I promise to never stop trying. You're my dream come true, my happily ever after, my future baby daddy, and the part of my day that I look forward to. Happy Anniversary, Moon Pie!
Oh, well, it's still 6 minutes away. But it'll have to do. I'm practically asleep.
Love Never Fails (Even if Your wife crashes before your anniversary,)
-KG-
It is incredibly difficult to conceive that we are already at this point, when just last month I told one of my dearest friends "I seriously feel like I've been married for 30 years." It has been two years of joy, laughter, and watching dreams unfold in front of our faces. It has also been two years of confusion, hurt, and brokenness, but it was a good kind of pain. You see, when Cody and I began our journey together nearly four years ago, neither of us were really where we needed to be in our walk with the Lord. And we kind of stayed in that place for awhile, and I realize now that some of the hardest parts of our relationship together were the times that we were trying to figure it out ourselves. In four years, I've watched him go from a man that loved me to a man that is completely captivated by my every breath because he sees me the way the Lord does. I loved him before, but because of the way Cody chooses to love me, my every moment of being his wife is simply bliss.
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| We were about 6 months old here. Check out that hair! |
I married you on the 3rd day of July. I chose this day because it was the only date that the photographer had available in the summer. It wasn't until the wedding was almost here that I realized that we will ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. You're welcome. Oh, and thank you, America. I hardly even remember that we were originally set to marry in October, but I guess that means that July 3rd really was meant for us. It rained the entire week of the wedding, and the entire day of, which is interesting, because while I do adore the rain, we've pretty much been in a drought ever since. We went into the church with the rain pouring down and as two separate people. Then Jay married us, and we left the church as one. As soon as we walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. I have made a permanent decision to allow the situation to dictate my views on our marriage. When we were apart, the world was cloudy and it wasn't a very happy place. But as soon as you were by my side and my husband, the world lit up, and even the ugliest of situations seemed beautiful . In case you're wondering, I still would have preferred a beach wedding or at least a small ceremony in the church prayer garden on a Wednesday... but I'm still glad I married you. 
The First year of our marriage was mostly simple. I mean, besides the fact that our first home was broken into, we went to Jamaica, we moved into a house that was way too large and outdated, and we literally resorted to breaking into the piggy bank once to get a blizzard. That was just off of the top of my head, but I feel they were worth mentioning. There were times that I felt the need to throw a fork at your face, and there were times that I'm sure you wanted to lock yourself in the studio just to get away from me for a minute, but I love the simplicity of our marriage. I love the routines, and the balances, and the fact that you try not to blatantly favor the dogs in front of me. It gives me great hope for our children. In our first year of marriage, I mostly learned that it's not okay to leave my laundry in 2 piles on the floor, it's not okay to use you razor, it's not okay to throw away cookies that have been left out for over a week, and it's DEFINITELY not okay to touch studio stuff while you're mixing. The first year was a blast, but surreal, because everybody stared at us like lab rats.
The second year of our marriage has undoubtedly been my favorite in ALL of our years together. Seriously. We have changed our world and we have grown in our walk with the Lord and we've grown to love and communicate with eachother efficiently with a lot less "UGHS" and "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!" We live in a gorgeous home that is ours and almost every room is some shade of blue. We watch "The Big Bang Theory," "Bones," "The Killing," "Friends," and "Modern Family" all of the time. We argue over baby names and nursery themes for babies that don't exist. We love to grow things together, and I've successfully forced squash, zucchini, broccoli, and asparagus down your throat. Sometimes you're great birth control, but Loving you is so natural... and I love that two years later, coming home to you still gives me butterflies. Searching my recipe books for things that you might like has become on of my favorite hobbies. Rolling my eyes at the littlest things that you get excited about secretly make my heart take flight. We've come to understand each other in creepy ways, but I still learn something new about you every day. Today, I learned that you judgmentally stare at cashiers who didn't really give you extra oreos in your blizzard. My life with you has been a dream come true, and to fathom that we have at least 50 more years together (God willing,) makes me so excited.
I don't know what the future holds, and that used to really bother me. I used to feel that if I wasn't pregnant by 23, then I would be too old for babies. I used to believe that I would never finish school, now I'm 2 semesters away. I used to believe that my life would be fine even if I never found somebody to love me, but oh, I was wrong. My life without you would be so dull, passionless, and lacking in joy (and puppies.) If I had followed my life the way I planned it, you wouldn't be in it. And that would have been my demise. You are the living example of Jeremiah 29:11 in my life, and I'll spend the rest of it thanking God that you were the one. I love you more than I know how to say, but I promise to never stop trying. You're my dream come true, my happily ever after, my future baby daddy, and the part of my day that I look forward to. Happy Anniversary, Moon Pie!
Oh, well, it's still 6 minutes away. But it'll have to do. I'm practically asleep.
Love Never Fails (Even if Your wife crashes before your anniversary,)
-KG-
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Well, We made it. Today is our anniversary. =]
I already wrote the sappy post, but I was going through some pictures and couldn't help but smile and plan another post.
I considered taking a picture on the 3rd of every month for the first year of our marriage, but I didn't feel like it was very original. I considered taking a picture of the most "memorable" thing we did each month...but I knew that cameras were never around when you needed them most. SO I decided that our rings would be the best way to document our first year together, and I'm so glad I kept up with it.
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I already wrote the sappy post, but I was going through some pictures and couldn't help but smile and plan another post.
I considered taking a picture on the 3rd of every month for the first year of our marriage, but I didn't feel like it was very original. I considered taking a picture of the most "memorable" thing we did each month...but I knew that cameras were never around when you needed them most. SO I decided that our rings would be the best way to document our first year together, and I'm so glad I kept up with it.
This one was in Jamaica... I love sandy toes. This is one of my favorites.
This was our key card in Jamaica...I thought it was hilarious that even the key cards relaxed you.
Our first christmas. I love snowman decorations in all forms. So I love this picture.
This one is kind of random, but the rings are actually sitting on the foundation of our house that's being built.
Margaritaville in Jamaica.
Our first Thanksgiving in Wheeler (Cody's old stomping grounds.)
Cody met all of my oklahoma family this trip.
Our First Valentine's Day
I just thought it was a cute idea. =] It captures the rednecks we've become.
Our First Easter
First Anniversary trip.
We have eaten here during the same week for the past 3 years. It's become a tradition of sorts.
I just thought it was cute. =]
These are a few of MANY that I've taken of our rings. I still have another SD card with another 25 or so of them. I love, love, love them. I love them so much, in fact, that I've decided to decorate our bedroom in the new house with them. I think it would be an awesome reminder of where we've been together so far...with plenty of blank space to remind us of where we're going.
So, here we are one July 3rd, 2010.
And here we are on July 2nd, 2011 (around midnight, so practically july 3rd)
I love the difference a year makes. Our faces are a little rounder, our smiles are still bright, and We still have the "Newlywed Smile," but there's a noticeable difference in comfort between the two pictures. Still insanely in love, but comfortable together. That makes me happy. I love that he still gives me butterflies.
July 3rd, 2010.
July 3rd, 2011 (by the way, that may have been the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted.)
An amazing year with an amazing man, walking in the will of an Amazing Jesus. I can't stand the excitement of the next year. A new house, a new degree, a new vacation, the option of growing our family is another year closer....it's going to be amazing. To those who were around last July and to those who joined the fun over the past year, we love and thank you so much for walking with us through our first year. We're still learning about each other and somedays I wish I could punch him...but at the end of the day, his arms are where I still want to be... And that's worth celebrating every day.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
1. Celebrating life isn't just about birthdays...or humans. A few weeks ago, Jack found a roly poly in the sandbox. Oh, the enthusiasm over such a tiny bug almost overwhelmed him. And then watching him marvel over the bug while he tried to figure out how it managed to get into the sandbox was equally entertaining. And then when I showed him the way "Harry" could roll into a ball to protect himself, the light in his eyes made me smile. Watching this Jack's enthusiasm for life of all forms has encouraged me to notice the tiny things. Like the ants in my kitchen...a nuisance, sure...but how did something so small know to crawl all the way up the house to the window? Then how did it know my sugar jar was on the opposite side of the kitchen? THEN how did it find it's way back to the window? It's really quite incredible when things are put in Jack's perspective.
2. Sometimes the wait for the fish is much better than the actual catch. On this particular day, we learned our ABC's, talked about his daddy (and how much we love him,) and out of the blue, this tiny sweet baby in a little boy's body says "I wuv you, Kaywee...all da way to the moon!" I don't know about you, but in my own life, I feel like I'm always waiting for something. Waiting to be a mommy, waiting to find a million dollars, waiting to move into our house, waiting to feel like a grown up. It's such a wonderful relief when something as genuine as being loved all the way to the moon makes the waiting a little easier to handle. So I'll wait for the fish to bite, as long as love still beats out the waiting.
3. Siblings really are your best friends. I am 4 years apart from both of my brothers (I suffer from Middle Child syndrome. I'm in constant need for affirmation. I'm okay with it.) My brothers and I were always in awkward stages because Bing was too old and Jared was too young. Jared and I played together all the time and we grew closer as the years went on. My older brother and I weren't as close because he moved out right as I was getting old enough to relate to him... And then Jack came around. And we both found out what real love was on the same day at the same time. We bonded that day in a way that we really hadn't before...and it never really went away. I've been Through a lot of bad friendships and bad relationships, but my brothers have remained constant in my life. I watch Jack and Stella love and comfort each other even though they're still too young to really have a relationship. I'm so thankful that when the rest of their world is chaotic, they'll still have each other, and most days I think they already know that. There's a lot of comfort in knowing that somebody always has your back, and who better to have your back than the ones who have never left you hanging?
4. Falling in Love is not always romantic. I had boyfriends in high school. I had plenty of people that I "loved." I made promises that I knew I wouldn't keep. I had found "the one" about 3 times, because those people made me happy, and that's what love is all about, right? Wrong. When Jack was born, it was all over for me and my love illusions. The minute they wheeled that big-headed baby into the waiting area, I lost my heart for the first time. Everything about him was beautiful. When he cried, I hurt for him. When he yawned, he may as well have hung the moon. When I put his hand in mine, I saw the beauty of our creator and realized for the first time how much he really must love us. The older he got, the harder I fell. I would've jumped off of a bridge if it meant he would laugh. When he said my name for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. I would lay in the floor with him for hours and just listen to him talk about nothing. I was head over heels for this perfect little human. I never wanted to break a promise to him. I wanted to be there for every chapter of his life, even when he started the "I don't want to go with you" phase. It amazes me how much I miss him, even now, when I can't make him stop talking at bedtime. I almost love him as much as I love Cody...and he knows it. So he taught me how to love, which has benefited me in so very many ways.
This was a really corny blog and I'm well aware of that. But these are things that I want to remember about him. These are pictures that I want to have a caption, not a "I don't know what you were doing here or why I held on to it." This is a kid that has changed me completely, and it's important to me that I remember why.
Jack has a little sister that's growing up quick and I know that there will be another set of lessons that I'll learn from her. Don't worry, I'll drown you with another sappy blog about her when the time comes.
Love never fails (Even when your Aunt uses your stories as a life lesson)
KG
Thursday, June 23, 2011
*Sigh of Relief*
I dropped my summer class. Am I disappointed? A little. Am I relieved? Absolutely.
Misery in a class is really quite the blessing in disguise. I was so bored. I was bored in a class that should have really intrigued me. Well, some of it was interesting...but the things that really should have captivated me ended up making me want to run into a brick wall. So I'm currently riding the fence about what to do next. I'm obviously trusting the Lord to make it a wide open door that I can't miss...or at least make the decision a peaceful one. Time shall tell! =D
It's almost our anniversary, y'all! This has been the fastest year of my entire life. It is so hilarious to me that that two months leading to the wedding drug on and on and on...and the past twelve months are almost a blur. Oh, that wedding. Have I ever shared that hurricane of a day with you? Let's check out a few highlights:
-The Wedding in General-
I did not want a wedding. Not one little bit. I was willing to go to the courthouse and have a really awesome two week honeymoon. I was willing to fly to the beach and get married in a white sundress and flip flops. I was willing to go to Vegas. I was willing to get married on a Wednesday afternoon in the church prayer garden. Cody was not willing to do any of these things. Cody wanted a day to celebrate our wedding. It was a very dramatic decision. I finally threw my hands up and said "Fine, you invite 25 people and I'll do the same." For the record, my list had 14 people. They were all family.
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-The Wedding Date-
I had convinced myself that if we were going to have a wedding, it was going to be bumpin'. So we decided to get married on October 23, 2010. I gave myself almost a year to find everything that would make my day amazing. I found my dream photographer, dress, someone to make my cake as weird as I wanted, and a decorator that was going to put Christmas lights EVERY WHERE for our evening wedding...and that's all I cared about. I decided that since it was fall, we'd do kind of an "Arabian Nights" theme. Dark purples, Blues, Oranges....it really would've been beautiful. The more people heard about it, the more people invited themselves. The more people that invited themselves, the bigger the dollar signs got. I almost had a cardiac arrest when I received the quotes from the caterers.
Around April, I thought that I might lose my mind if I had to make another decision. I think the final straw was somebody threatening not to come because they hadn't been invited to help me plan. I blew up, cried on my daddy's shoulder, and said "I couldn't handle anymore." So daddy shrugged and said "Then what are we waiting for?" I popped my head up and the wheels started turning. I considered a surprise wedding on the 4th of July. I thought it would be funny to invite our close friends and family to my parent's backyard and have the wedding there. Then I knew that the people who couldn't come would be upset about missing something that they didn't know was happening. So instead, I called Hannah Katherine to see if she had any July dates available (which I didn't find likely, because she was a rockstar and everybody wanted her at their wedding.) She had one. On July 3rd. I was super pumped, because 4th of July was (and is) my favorite holiday (I'm a firework freak) and we would ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. =] So the shotgun planning began.
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-The Wedding Venue-
Of course, not everything was quite as simple. Our original venue was booked that weekend for a rodeo or something. No churches wanted "non-members" getting married at their church. There was an ADORABLE venue in Lubbock that was available, but we got tons of "Oh, well I don't want to drive all the way to Lubbock." and tons of "That's kind of complicated..."And it was, I'll acknowledge it. But it annoyed me enough to make me cry enough that it caused my Mother-In-Law to say "Why not at my house?" And then Life was good again. She has a gorgeous stretch of Land with Willow Trees everywhere and nothing surrounding it. I was picturing an evening wedding with lots of lights and bright colors. I was relieved. Plus, she lives in Wink...I knew that only the people that REALLY wanted to be a part of our day would drive to nowhere land. So, I let the ball roll.
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-The Wedding Cake-
Cody and I always refer to each other as our "Lobster." It traces back to "Friends," where Phoebe claims that lobsters only have one mate for the duration of their lives. I thought it would be adorable to have a simple 3 tier white cake with a bride and groom lobster on the top of it . I found someone that was crazy enough to attempt this cake and I was quite excited. The week before the wedding, I got wind that said cake decorator moved to Dallas. One of my dear friends came to my rescue and helped me make about five dozen cupcakes. And THEN she made a little double tiered cake for us to cut and eat/ save for our one year anniversary. My best friend Julie and her best friend Julie helped us. Then they threw a surprise lingerie shower for me. My cheeks stayed red and I got a little emotional because of the overwhelming kindness, but what began as a disaster turned into one of my favorite wedding memories. Insane rainstorm and All.
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-The Wedding Weather-
It was literally about this time last year that Hurricane Alex let his fury roar across the states. That fury roared right into West Texas. And it roared for a week. At the time, I thought to myself, "Yay!" I was thrilled that the grass was going to be a little greener and the flowers a little brighter. Then on July 2nd, that last little bit of hurricane rain blew in. My poor family (and friends that are practically family) were out in the rain trying to put tents up in case the weather kept up it's nonsense. It did. We didn't change any plans, but we called a little rinky dink church in Wink, just in case. We had a rehearsal dinner that night and we all laughed at the possibility of getting married in that church. The rain stopped for several hours and things were looking up for the Gaines Wedding.
I woke up on July 3rd and felt the dread creep over me. My room at the time had an enormous window in it, so if it was sunny, the room was bright. If it was cloudy, the room was dark as night. It was a dark room. I threw the covers over my head and cried a little bit before I got out of the bed. I walked into the living room and heard my mom on the phone in the bedroom with a hint of panic in her voice. Almost on cue, a clap of thunder rattled the house. My dad came in and said "Let's Talk." in every body's favorite dad voice. I stared at the fireplace the entire time he talked (I could really punch myself for being such a brat.) "Kayde, I think it's pretty obvious that it's raining now. And there's no sign of it stopping. And you need to think about the fact that even if it did stop, the mud would be awful out there. And even if the mud had time to dry, the mosquitos and the humidity would be enough to ruin the day...so we need to think about the church." I took a breath...shrugged...and said "Okay." What else could I do? My parents couldn't stop the rain or dry the dirt. Nobody could. I called Bailey (the same one who saved the wedding cake catastrophe) and cried about the venue in the privacy of my bedroom. She said "You know what, I think that getting married is the whole point of this day, so while the church may not be convenient, you'll still be married." And so I let it go. When all was said and done, the church was still rinky dinky, but my daddy sure made that altar pretty. There were so many people that worked their hind ends off to make our day beautiful, and for that I will always be thankful.
The list literally goes on and on. My dress didn't fit me on my wedding day, so the back of it was safety pinned so that it didn't fall off. My wedding shoes were two different sizes (which I didn't notice because I foolishly opted out of "breaking them in.") The flowers that we ordered in April for the wedding never got ordered, so we bought flowers at Sam's and made our own bouquets/boutonnieres. A diamond fell out of my ring the day before the wedding. My nephew refused to carry the ring pillow so I threw one of my nieces into the job at the last minute(literally, as she was walking out the door to go down the aisle.) The humidity in the air caused my bridesmaids and my own hair to be flat and straight. So my dream of having my hair down and curly at my wedding was dashed... but in the end, we were married. And we were happy. And we don't remember a single detail about that day other than being in each other's arms at the end of it. Would I have traded it all in for a wedding on a beach? Totally. But I think every bride says the same thing after her wedding.
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It was all a huge testament to the Lord's Faithfulness. As soon as we kissed the bride and walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. We were talking to our photographer after, and while we had a wonderful day, I think she knew it wasn't what I envisioned for our pictures. SO we planned another session for around a month later, where I had my hair down and we were outside. They are gorgeous pictures. And I love them.
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I never ever ever thought that I would look back at wedding pictures and smile. But now, I love to look back and see the rain on the ground when Cody saw me for the first time. It's a beautiful moment on top of a not so beautiful circumstance. You can look at pictures of me from earlier in the day when I was so sad but trying to be happy and compare them to pictures of me when I saw him. You can literally watch the sadness melt away into uncontainable joy in a single frame. It was the best moment of the entire day, and HKF is the only one that got to witness it...and the camera...but it's not the same. I love the imperfection of the dots and the icing on the cupcakes. I love That my best friend got to put each dot on the cupcakes that I iced. I love that a stranger had the heart to "smush" the dots. I love that a stranger had a big enough heart to help save a bride to be wedding cake disaster. I love that I had friends who were willing to step in and help. I love that the Sun came out just in time for our bridal party pictures and made it look like we planned a church wedding on purpose. As Jay (Our minister) said, "I guess God just wanted a wedding in a church."
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Ultimately, It's been a wonderful year with the man that gave me his name. I love you more than anything in this world, Cody Gaines. I can't wait to grow your babies and watch your hair turn grey. You're everything good in my life, and I treasure the day I became your wife. Here's to another 79 years!
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I dropped my summer class. Am I disappointed? A little. Am I relieved? Absolutely.
Misery in a class is really quite the blessing in disguise. I was so bored. I was bored in a class that should have really intrigued me. Well, some of it was interesting...but the things that really should have captivated me ended up making me want to run into a brick wall. So I'm currently riding the fence about what to do next. I'm obviously trusting the Lord to make it a wide open door that I can't miss...or at least make the decision a peaceful one. Time shall tell! =D
It's almost our anniversary, y'all! This has been the fastest year of my entire life. It is so hilarious to me that that two months leading to the wedding drug on and on and on...and the past twelve months are almost a blur. Oh, that wedding. Have I ever shared that hurricane of a day with you? Let's check out a few highlights:
-The Wedding in General-
I did not want a wedding. Not one little bit. I was willing to go to the courthouse and have a really awesome two week honeymoon. I was willing to fly to the beach and get married in a white sundress and flip flops. I was willing to go to Vegas. I was willing to get married on a Wednesday afternoon in the church prayer garden. Cody was not willing to do any of these things. Cody wanted a day to celebrate our wedding. It was a very dramatic decision. I finally threw my hands up and said "Fine, you invite 25 people and I'll do the same." For the record, my list had 14 people. They were all family.
-The Wedding Date-
I had convinced myself that if we were going to have a wedding, it was going to be bumpin'. So we decided to get married on October 23, 2010. I gave myself almost a year to find everything that would make my day amazing. I found my dream photographer, dress, someone to make my cake as weird as I wanted, and a decorator that was going to put Christmas lights EVERY WHERE for our evening wedding...and that's all I cared about. I decided that since it was fall, we'd do kind of an "Arabian Nights" theme. Dark purples, Blues, Oranges....it really would've been beautiful. The more people heard about it, the more people invited themselves. The more people that invited themselves, the bigger the dollar signs got. I almost had a cardiac arrest when I received the quotes from the caterers.
Around April, I thought that I might lose my mind if I had to make another decision. I think the final straw was somebody threatening not to come because they hadn't been invited to help me plan. I blew up, cried on my daddy's shoulder, and said "I couldn't handle anymore." So daddy shrugged and said "Then what are we waiting for?" I popped my head up and the wheels started turning. I considered a surprise wedding on the 4th of July. I thought it would be funny to invite our close friends and family to my parent's backyard and have the wedding there. Then I knew that the people who couldn't come would be upset about missing something that they didn't know was happening. So instead, I called Hannah Katherine to see if she had any July dates available (which I didn't find likely, because she was a rockstar and everybody wanted her at their wedding.) She had one. On July 3rd. I was super pumped, because 4th of July was (and is) my favorite holiday (I'm a firework freak) and we would ALWAYS have the day after our anniversary off of work. =] So the shotgun planning began.
-The Wedding Venue-
Of course, not everything was quite as simple. Our original venue was booked that weekend for a rodeo or something. No churches wanted "non-members" getting married at their church. There was an ADORABLE venue in Lubbock that was available, but we got tons of "Oh, well I don't want to drive all the way to Lubbock." and tons of "That's kind of complicated..."And it was, I'll acknowledge it. But it annoyed me enough to make me cry enough that it caused my Mother-In-Law to say "Why not at my house?" And then Life was good again. She has a gorgeous stretch of Land with Willow Trees everywhere and nothing surrounding it. I was picturing an evening wedding with lots of lights and bright colors. I was relieved. Plus, she lives in Wink...I knew that only the people that REALLY wanted to be a part of our day would drive to nowhere land. So, I let the ball roll.
-The Wedding Cake-
Cody and I always refer to each other as our "Lobster." It traces back to "Friends," where Phoebe claims that lobsters only have one mate for the duration of their lives. I thought it would be adorable to have a simple 3 tier white cake with a bride and groom lobster on the top of it . I found someone that was crazy enough to attempt this cake and I was quite excited. The week before the wedding, I got wind that said cake decorator moved to Dallas. One of my dear friends came to my rescue and helped me make about five dozen cupcakes. And THEN she made a little double tiered cake for us to cut and eat/ save for our one year anniversary. My best friend Julie and her best friend Julie helped us. Then they threw a surprise lingerie shower for me. My cheeks stayed red and I got a little emotional because of the overwhelming kindness, but what began as a disaster turned into one of my favorite wedding memories. Insane rainstorm and All.
-The Wedding Weather-
It was literally about this time last year that Hurricane Alex let his fury roar across the states. That fury roared right into West Texas. And it roared for a week. At the time, I thought to myself, "Yay!" I was thrilled that the grass was going to be a little greener and the flowers a little brighter. Then on July 2nd, that last little bit of hurricane rain blew in. My poor family (and friends that are practically family) were out in the rain trying to put tents up in case the weather kept up it's nonsense. It did. We didn't change any plans, but we called a little rinky dink church in Wink, just in case. We had a rehearsal dinner that night and we all laughed at the possibility of getting married in that church. The rain stopped for several hours and things were looking up for the Gaines Wedding.
I woke up on July 3rd and felt the dread creep over me. My room at the time had an enormous window in it, so if it was sunny, the room was bright. If it was cloudy, the room was dark as night. It was a dark room. I threw the covers over my head and cried a little bit before I got out of the bed. I walked into the living room and heard my mom on the phone in the bedroom with a hint of panic in her voice. Almost on cue, a clap of thunder rattled the house. My dad came in and said "Let's Talk." in every body's favorite dad voice. I stared at the fireplace the entire time he talked (I could really punch myself for being such a brat.) "Kayde, I think it's pretty obvious that it's raining now. And there's no sign of it stopping. And you need to think about the fact that even if it did stop, the mud would be awful out there. And even if the mud had time to dry, the mosquitos and the humidity would be enough to ruin the day...so we need to think about the church." I took a breath...shrugged...and said "Okay." What else could I do? My parents couldn't stop the rain or dry the dirt. Nobody could. I called Bailey (the same one who saved the wedding cake catastrophe) and cried about the venue in the privacy of my bedroom. She said "You know what, I think that getting married is the whole point of this day, so while the church may not be convenient, you'll still be married." And so I let it go. When all was said and done, the church was still rinky dinky, but my daddy sure made that altar pretty. There were so many people that worked their hind ends off to make our day beautiful, and for that I will always be thankful.
The list literally goes on and on. My dress didn't fit me on my wedding day, so the back of it was safety pinned so that it didn't fall off. My wedding shoes were two different sizes (which I didn't notice because I foolishly opted out of "breaking them in.") The flowers that we ordered in April for the wedding never got ordered, so we bought flowers at Sam's and made our own bouquets/boutonnieres. A diamond fell out of my ring the day before the wedding. My nephew refused to carry the ring pillow so I threw one of my nieces into the job at the last minute(literally, as she was walking out the door to go down the aisle.) The humidity in the air caused my bridesmaids and my own hair to be flat and straight. So my dream of having my hair down and curly at my wedding was dashed... but in the end, we were married. And we were happy. And we don't remember a single detail about that day other than being in each other's arms at the end of it. Would I have traded it all in for a wedding on a beach? Totally. But I think every bride says the same thing after her wedding.
It was all a huge testament to the Lord's Faithfulness. As soon as we kissed the bride and walked out of the church, the sun blinded us. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. We were talking to our photographer after, and while we had a wonderful day, I think she knew it wasn't what I envisioned for our pictures. SO we planned another session for around a month later, where I had my hair down and we were outside. They are gorgeous pictures. And I love them.
Ultimately, It's been a wonderful year with the man that gave me his name. I love you more than anything in this world, Cody Gaines. I can't wait to grow your babies and watch your hair turn grey. You're everything good in my life, and I treasure the day I became your wife. Here's to another 79 years!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I love my husband more than anyone in the world. In the WORLD. He makes me laugh. He frustrates the crap out of me. He inspires me as a believer. He makes me feel more pride on a daily basis than anything else. My husband is as simple as simple gets. Black and White. I am complicated. I can find all of the colors of the rainbow in the "shades of Grey." I love the Lord for creating two people who balance each other out so well.
We started dating "officially" on November 24, 2008. On December 19, I had just met his mom (the first girl to meet his mom since high school, mind you.) We had spent the day Christmas shopping for our families and giving each other opinions about what to buy the family members that neither of us knew very well and attending his niece's birthday party (we hit 3 pretty intense milestones in one day. We're hardcore that way.)
We ate dinner with his mom and her husband and we went back to his house. We watched "ELF" to kick off the holiday season and I noticed he wasn't as talkative as he normally was. He drove me home that night and we laughed at the fact that EVERY light we came up on turned red. We lived on opposite sides of Odessa at the time and it was a pretty long drive with all of those lights. We finally got home and I was creeping up on my curfew (mom was hardcore that way). I kissed him in a hurry and started to jump out of the car. I turned around to say goodnight and out of nowhere I started to say "I love---GOODNIGHT." I ran in the house bright red and swore that I would never make eye contact with him again. That worked out about as well as stupid promises ever do, but thankfully he didn't acknowledge it the next day. He drove me home the next night and as I was getting out of the car, he grabbed my arm before I got out and said "I love you." Just as cool as cool could be. I didn't really know what to say, even though my heart screamed "YOU LOVE HIM TOO, YOU IDIOT!" And I smiled. And I said, equally cool, "Really?" Almost in a "Oh, yeah? That's cool I guess. I mean, lifetime commitment, whatever." And he said "Yep. I do. I'm in love with you." And I said "I love you too." Although my heart was pounding and my stomach skipped butterflies and went straight to an anchor inside of it. And I said "Okay. Well. See you tomorrow." "See ya, K."
And that's all I have to say about that. Let's fast forward 11 months to the proposal, shall we?
We had just finished decorating my mom and daddy's Christmas tree at their house. Before that, we had been in the car for 7 hours after visiting his family on the farm for thanksgiving. Before that, we had spent the weekend revealing my true city girl to his family that hadn't met me before. I still don't understand why he didn't dump me. We were in a hurry to get home because his mom was lovely enough to buy us a Christmas tree for his house. I had been buying things for this tree since September. It was a sad little tree. It was Six feet tall and thin…and so, so bare. But it was OUR tree. I refused to take no for an answer when he suggested we wait until the next day to decorate. We started about 9 o'clock and it took 2 hours to put all of those decorations on that tree (It still looked bare to me, so I went back and bought MORE the next day, but that's irrelevant.) We listened to Bing Crosby and Buble serenade us with Christmas Music. I noticed that Cody was walking around with his hands in his pockets. The man wouldn't chill. He walked up and down the hall and totally missed the "lighting of the tree." I plopped down in the floor and stared at the tree. I smiled as he sat down behind me and kissed my cheek. I said "It's pretty, huh?" and he didn't respond immediately. Then he said "Ya know what's prettier?" And there was my ring. Right in front of me. Just like that. I'll spare you of all the kissing that followed, but that was that. We were engaged. No speeches, No plans, No witnesses. We were just engaged.
When I envisioned my proposal, I saw Christmas lights. I imagined frigid temperatures (yes, in west texas). I saw people watching from afar. I saw him on one knee. I saw me looking all kinds of fabulous. I imagined dancing after. I didn't imagine my hair thrown up in a ponytail. I didn't imagine my makeup to have that "12 hour" look to it. It was probably 70 outside.... but it was perfect. I will have the intimacy of THAT moment forever. I will have the sweetness of going from one phase of our relationship to the other with such a simple question. There was not a soul in sight. The only things that celebrated with us were the dogs, and they slept through the entire thing. It was Cody and Kaylea, alone in that moment, thrilled beyond all reason to be in the company of each other. And for one of the only times in our relationship, Life was simple. Life was calm. Life made sense.
I cherish that moment more than I cherish any romantic thing he ever did. I kind of wonder if the Lord cherishes those simple intimate moments with us more than anything else. Those moments where everything else fades away and I realize that in that moment, it's me and the Lord. Anything else that mattered before becomes insignificant and I stop talking long enough just to feel the comfort and the peace of a God who loves me more than anything. Those moments where even if only for few moments, he is sufficient. Those moments where I let go of everything that I'm holding onto because I'm not strong enough to believe that God will handle it. Those moments of surrender are the sweetest moments in my personal walk with the Lord and I believe with my whole heart that he longs for them. I fight that battle everyday because let's be honest, sometimes life is tough. It's easier to trudge through than to smile and say "Lord, you handle it." Waiting is a hard game. I struggle every day with what I feel like I'm being cheated out of. But I'm not here for the things of earth. I'm here to learn to love my Jesus the way I love my husband. To trust my Jesus the way I trust my husband. To be willing to throw all caution to the wind and jump into the plan that the Lord so intricately designed before I was ever born. Yes... life is crazy, but the Lord works it out. I don't know how. But I know he's in control. Of my life. Of this crazy country. Of Japan. Of Haiti. Of Libya. Of this ENTIRE universe. I know he is faithful. I know he is constant. I know he is sovereign. And in that light, his eye is on some dumb bird that taunts me every morning while I walk to my car. His eye is on an ant that bit the snoz out of my foot. His eye is on the hurting and the broken. His eye is on the generation that will turn and seek his face before he comes back for his bride. His eye is on me, and as long as I keep that in mind, getting through today seems pretty simple.
You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, LORD, you know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ---Psalm 139:1-16
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